


Founding Daddies Vol. 1: A Trip to Biscuitville

by HerbertThePervert



Series: Founding Daddies [1]
Category: 18th Century CE RPF, American Revolution RPF, Historical RPF
Genre: Gen
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2016-09-27
Updated: 2017-02-28
Packaged: 2018-08-17 13:10:00
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 40
Words: 17,446
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/8145208
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/HerbertThePervert/pseuds/HerbertThePervert
Summary: A story chronicling the real-life adventures of the founding fathers. Features handy dandy footnotes so you can see that I didn't even make up most of this ridiculous shit, it actually happened. *Note: I don't own Biscuitville if they are reading this please don't sue me I am a huge fan*





	1. Chapter 1

Scene 1:

[Washington, Jefferson, and Hamilton are sitting at a table in the middle of a cabinet meeting]

 **Jefferson:** Fuk you Hamilton.

 **Hamilton:** Fuk you Jefferson.

 **Washington:** Now, settle down sons. 1

 **Hamilton:** I’M NOT YOUR @#$ &ING SON!

 **Washington:** I wish you were, since my own son is such a disappointment. 2

[Washington lowers his head into his hands and begins to weep.]

 **Jefferson:** Damnit Hamilton, that’s the fifth time today.

 **Hamilton:** Fuk you and your mom.

 **Jefferson:** I would say “fuck your mom” but everyone already has BECAUSE SHE’S A PROSTITUTE! OOOHH! 3

[Jefferson reaches under the table and hi-fives Madison, who is too short to be seen4.]

 **Hamilton:** Fuk you.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

  1. tbh Hamilton and Washington actually didn’t get along very well (<http://www.pbs.org/wgbh/amex/hamilton/peopleevents/e_washington.html>) but Washington is probably the only semi-paternal figure that was ever part of Hamilton’s life
  2. George Washington had only one son who was actually his stepson <https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/John_Parke_Custis>
  3. It was never proven she was a prostitute, but since she wasn’t married to Hamilton’s father people called her a whore. There were also rumors that she had relations with Washington, and that he was Hamilton’s real father. <http://www.historytoday.com/richard-cavendish/birth-alexander-hamilton>
  4. Madison is the shortest president at 5 feet, 4 inches




	2. Chapter 2

 Scene 2:

[Jefferson, Madison, and Hamilton are patting Washington’s hair and back to comfort him. A figure floats in through the door.]

 **Madison:** Zounds! It’s John Laurens, the military commander for the Continental Army who was slain during the Revolutionary War!

 **Hamilton:** Laurens!

 **Laurens:** Hammy!

[They embrace and begin having S*X1!]

 **Jefferson:** Wow, and I thought John Adams and I had sexual tension 2. This is crazy!

 **Washington:** MY SON-IN-LAW!

[Washington embraces Laurens, who is still having S*X with Hamilton, and starts crying again.]

 **Washington:** You are my son-in-law, because Alex is my son, and you are having sexual intercourse with him! Now I have children who aren’t total disappointments! THIS IS THE GREATEST DAY OF MY LIFE!!!

 **Jefferson:** So is the meeting over, or…Cause I really want some Biscuitville, and they close at 2.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

  1. They’re basically like Romeo and Juliet but gay and also not stupid. <http://bobarnebeck.com/hamlau.html>
  2. <https://www.tumblr.com/search/jedams> you’re welcome.




	3. Chapter 3

Scene 3:

[Jefferson and Madison are walking down the road, but actually it’s a dirt lane, since this is the 1780’s.]

 **Jefferson:** I am so glad that we, in the 1780’s, have Biscuitville!

 **Madison:** I have a real hankering for an egg and cheese biscuit!

[A cat runs across their path.]

 **Jefferson:** That must be Martha Washington’s cat: Alexander Hamilton!

 **Madison:** Why did she name her cat after him?

 **Jefferson:** Because they are both total horndogs! Or at least that’s what John Adams told me 1.

 **Madison:** John Adams is full of-

 **Jefferson:** I want a cat. I’ll bring one home and get my slaves to raise it. Except for Sally, she’ll be too busy having sexual intercourse with me 2.

 **Madison:** Isn’t she, like, 15 3?

 **Jefferson:** It’s okay, we don’t have rape laws in the 1780’s. But we do have Biscuitville!

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

  1. John Adams spread this rumor because he did not like Hamilton. At all. <http://thefederalist.com/2015/10/08/the-adams-familys-revenge-against-alexander-hamilton/>
  2. Sally Hemmings was one of Jefferson’s slaves, who he had an affair with…
  3. ...And the affair started when she was 14. <https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Sally_Hemings>




	4. Chapter 4

Scene 4:

[Madison and Jefferson are in line at Biscuitville. The door opens and a man walks in.]

 **Madison:** Zounds! It’s something-something-something Marquis de Lafayette! I can’t remember your full name, since you have more names than Albus fucking Dumbledore 1.

 **Lafayette:** Oui, oui, baguette, c”est moi! Yo estoy aqui!

 **Jefferson:** What are you doing here? Shouldn’t you be in France, helping the French Revolution?

 **Lafayette:** Oh, oui, but they wanted to, how do you say, cut my head off 2. So I said “deuces!”. [Pauses] That’s French right?

 **Jefferson:** Yeah, probably. So what are you doing in Biscuitville?

 **Lafayette:** Yo quiero un croissant!

 **Guy in Line:** Are you speaking French or Spanish?

 **Lafayette:** Oh, uh, uh, look over there! It’s a, how do you say, uh, rich old white man!

 **Guy in Line:** This is Washington D.C., that’s literally half of the population.

 **Lafayette:** Um, viva la resistance!

[Lafayette hops out the window. A cry from Washington is heard.]

 **Washington:** [Outside] Lafayette! My other son 3!

 **Lafayette:** [Outside] Papa! Since my own father is such a failure!

 **Person at the Register:** Are you guys gonna order or not?

 

 

 

  1. For the record, his full name is Marie-Joseph Paul Yves Roch Gilbert du Motier, Marquis de Lafayette
  2. Sadly, in real life he did not escape to a Biscuitville in America. Instead, he was imprisoned. <http://www.ushistory.org/brandywine/special/marquis.htm>
  3. They have the purest relationship you will ever find okay this is an actual quote from this French ambassador who ate dinner with Washington and mentioned Lafayette: _["Washington blushed like a fond father whose child is being praised. Tears fell from his eyes, he clasped my hand, and could hardly utter the words](http://vexilloquy.tumblr.com/post/137991951188/washington-blushed-like-a-fond-father-whose-child): [‘I do not know a nobler, finer soul, and I love him as my own son’."](https://books.google.com/books?id=KgMeh_9uWVEC&pg=PA254&lpg=PA254&dq=marquis+de+lafayette+george+washington+i+do+not+know+a+nobler,+finer+soul,+and+i+love+him+as+my+own+son&source=bl&ots=uNWVM_oFbv&sig=e4yGogxvCDahfT72Mx65LKwYU-0&hl=en&sa=X&ved=0ahUKEwi_joeYpq7PAhXKdD4KHVfPA2kQ6AEIHDAA#v=onepage&q=marquis%20de%20lafayette%20george%20washington%20i%20do%20not%20know%20a%20nobler%2C%20finer%20soul%2C%20and%20i%20love%20him%20as%20my%20own%20son&f=false) _ He literally started tearing up because he loved Lafayette so much I can’t even.




	5. Chapter 5

Scene 5:

[Jefferson and Hamilton are sitting at the table in another cabinet meeting.]

 **Jefferson:** Fuk you Hamilton.

 **Hamilton:** Fuk you Jefferson.

[Pause]

 **Hamilton:** Um…where’s Washington?

 **Jefferson:** I don’t know, he’s _your_ dad.

 **Hamilton:** I AM NOT HIS @#* &ING SON!

 **Jefferson:** Well, if he isn’t here then there’s no meeting, so I might as well go to Biscuitville again. Because it’s the 1780’s, and we have Biscuitville.

[Jefferson gets up and walks outside, followed by Madison who crawls out from under the table. They hear someone yelling from a ditch.]

 **Washington:** Hello? Hello? Little help?

 **Jefferson:** Washington, is that you?

 **Washington:** Yes.

 **Jefferson:** The father of our country has fallen into a ditch.

 **Washington:** It would appear so.

[Lafayette runs up, brandishing a baguette.]

 **Lafayette:** I must save my father!

[Lafayette lowers the baguette into the hole, and Washington firmly grasps it.]

 **Jefferson:** Wow, those last stage directions were very sexual. However, Lafayette and Washington’s relationship was strictly platonic, and was like that of a father and son. So let’s rewrite the last line.

[Lafayette lowers the baguette into the ditch, allowing Washington to take a hold of it. Lafayette then lifts Washington out of the ditch. The two share a heartfelt hug.]

 **Madison:** I can’t believe you fell into a ditch, Mr. President,

 **Jefferson:** Yeah, this is almost as embarrassing as that time you lead an unauthorized attack on a fort, single-handedly starting a war 1.

 **Washington:** But _not_ as embarrassing as the time Martha walked in on me stripping to ‘Dancing Queen’! [Pause. Crickets chirp.] Hey, sometimes a guy just wants to feel sexy!

 **Jefferson:** Wut.

 **Madison:** Wait, if you weren’t stripping in front of Martha, then who were you stripping in front of?

 **Washington:** The mirror. [Pause. Crickets chirp.] I WANTED TO FEEL SEXY!

 **Jefferson:** Wut.

 **Madison:** When…when did this happen?

 **Washington:** This morning. [He holds out his foot, so they can see a red stripper shoe with 4-inch heels.] That’s why I tripped and fell into the ditch, I’m not quite used to these heels.

 **Madison:** That’s, um…understandable?

 **Jefferson:** Wut.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

  1. He literally attacked Canadians why did he feel that was necessary <https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Fort_Duquesne>. Also, since it started the French and Indian War, it could be argued that it was one of the main causes of the Revolutionary War. So basically Washington started 2 wars by himself.




	6. Chapter 6

Scene 6:

[Jefferson, Hamilton, and Madison are sitting at the table, waiting. Only a few inches of Madison’s head are visible.]

 **Hamilton:** So, Madison, I see you got a new high chair.

 **Madison:** It’s actually a booster seat.

 **Hamilton:** Ah. I see.

[Washington and Lafayette walk in.]

 **Washington:** Everyone, say hello to the new cabinet member. He is, um, secretary, of, um, ass-kicking.

 **Jefferson:** I feel like you just made that up.

 **Washington:** Oh, no, of course not.

 **Madison:** I want to be secretary of ass-kicking!

 **Hamilton:** You wouldn’t even be able to reach your opponents’ asses!

 **Washington:** Oh, Alex, before I forget- I won’t be needing your services anymore.

 **Hamilton:** What?! You’re getting a new secretary of the treasury?!

 **Washington:** No, I mean your son services. You see, now that I have Lafayette, I don’t need you to be my son anymore. But you’ve always hated me calling you my son, so I guess it’s a win-win!

 **Hamilton:** Oh. Okay. I see.

 **Jefferson:** OOOHHH SNAP! Your dad didn’t want you 1, your cousin killed himself rather than live with you2, and now Washington doesn’t even want you! Ha!

 **Madison:** …Geez, Thomas, that’s a little harsh.

 **Jefferson:** This man _laughed_ when my wife died!

 **Hamilton:** I didn’t laugh because she died, I laughed because he fainted and had to be carried upstairs 3!

 **Washington:** That’s still kinda fucked up. I’m glad I found out about this now, and not when I considered you a son. I would hate for my adopted son to be a failure, too.

 **Hamilton:** But I’m not a failure! Oh, I mean, uh, I’m not your son!

 **Washington:** Damn straight. Come on, Lafayette, I’ll buy you a biscuit.

 **Lafayette:** From, how do you say, Biscuitville?

 **Washington:** Where else?

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

  1. and 2. <http://www.sparknotes.com/biography/hamilton/section1.rhtml>
  2. Hamilton didn’t actually laugh at him (or at least there’s no record of it) but Jefferson actually did faint <https://historyfan2.wordpress.com/2010/04/25/thomas-jeffersons-grief-over-his-wifes-death-and-his-promise-to-her/>




	7. Chapter 7

Scene 7:

[Lafayette is sitting at the table, eating a sausage biscuit. Hamilton walks in.]

 **Lafayette:** Alex! So bonn to see you!

 **Hamilton:** Oh, are you here for the cabinet meeting?

 **Lafayette:** Oui! I am the secretary of, how do you say, ass-kicking!

Hamilton: So Washington’s really going through with this?

 **Lafayette:** Oui! He got me a house down the street to stay in just this morning. He said that no son of his will live on the street!

 **Hamilton:** Really? He…he never bought me a house.

 **Lafayette:** Of course! You aren’t his fils anymore.

 **Hamilton:** I didn’t want to be his son! So good!

[Hamilton runs out of the room.]

 **Lafayette:** This is a damn good biscuit 1!

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 1. [x](https://www.google.com/url?sa=i&rct=j&q=&esrc=s&source=images&cd=&cad=rja&uact=8&ved=0ahUKEwjhrPqm1-7PAhVGJiYKHXahDxQQjRwIBw&url=https%3A%2F%2Fbiscuitville.com%2Fmenu%2Fbreakfast-sandwiches%2Fultimate-sausage-biscuit&bvm=bv.136593572,d.eWE&psig=AFQjCNHPKUqz4HsCVCZ06yuZo9dXSREP0Q&ust=1477234984346093)


	8. Chapter 8

Scene 8:

[Monroe1 is standing in front of the bathroom mirror, combing his hair. Hamilton storms in, and Monroe looks at him in the mirror.]

 **Monroe:** Hey, Alex. What’s up?

 **Hamilton:** WHAT DID YOU SAY MOTHERFU- Oh, hey.

 **Monroe:** You…you all right?

 **Hamilton:** WHAT THE FUCK DO YOU THINK?

 **Monroe:** Well, considering how you normally act like this 2, I’m assuming you’re fine.

 **Hamilton:** OH, YES, I’M FINE AND DANDY!

[Hamilton rips a sink off the wall. Water bursts out.]

 **Monroe:** That’s good to hear. Now, I’m going to leave before my waistcoat gets soaked. It’s brand new silk 3.

 **Hamilton:** [Screeches like a fucking pterodactyl.]

 **Monroe:** Kk, see ya!

[Monroe leaves while Hamilton rips his shirt open, screaming in agony.]

 

 

 

 

 

  1. [Very good summary of James Monroe](http://john-quincy-adams.tumblr.com/post/143690251860/john-quincy-adams-james-monroe-and-the-other)
  2. Hamilton wasn’t exactly…a chill person. [Here’s a list of everyone he challenged to a duel in his lifetime](http://publius-esquire.tumblr.com/post/37340356972/hamiltons-affairs-of-honor)
  3. I originally put ‘shirt’ instead of ‘waistcoat’ but it turns out back then shirts were made of linen. <http://www.history.org/history/clothing/men/mglossary.cfm>




	9. Chapter 9

Scene 9:

[Monroe is walking down the hall away from the bathroom. He sees Jefferson heading towards it.]

 **Monroe:** Hey, Thomas, are you going to the bathroom?

 **Jefferson:** Yeah, I gotta empty Thomas Jr.

 **Monroe:** If I were you, I’d use the one upstairs.

 **Jefferson:** Why?

[Jefferson opens the bathroom door and sees Hamilton curled in the fetal position, emitting screams of pain. Hamilton’s lying in a puddle, and water is rushing from the hole in the wall, drenching him. Jefferson closes the door.]

 **Jefferson:** I see.

[Washington1 walks past them, heading to the bathroom with a newspaper under his arm.]

 **Monroe:** Um, sir, I wouldn’t go in there.

 **Jefferson:** Yeah, it’s…pretty bad in there.

 **Washington:** Not as bad as it will be when I’m done in there!

[Washington walks into the bathroom, whistling.]

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

  1. Speaking of Washington and bathrooms, apparently the outhouse at Mount Vernon had seats for three people. And no dividers. Take from that what you will. <https://twitter.com/GWBooks/status/776143923978862592>




	10. Chapter 10

Scene 10:

[Jefferson, Washington, Lafayette, and Madison (with only his forehead showing) are sitting at the table. Hamilton walks in, sopping wet.]

 **Washington:** Great, now that everyone’s here, we can start the meeting. But I’m hungry, so let’s go to Biscuitville!

[Washington claps his hands. They all disappear and then reappear in Biscuitville.]

 **Madison:** That was a very pleasant walk we had from the office to here.

 **Lafayette:** Oui, oui, it was muy bonn.

 **Washington:** Okay, I’m paying for Lafayette since he’s my son, but the rest of you freeloaders better cough up some cash!

[Madison and Hamilton reach into their pockets and take out a few dollars. Jefferson searches his pockets and comes up empty.]

 **Jefferson:** Hmm… this is odd…

Madison: Not really, you are terrible with finances1. In fact, when you die you will be so in debt your descendants will have to sell your slaves2.

 **Jefferson:** [Reaching into his back pocket] Wait, I’ve found something! [Pulls out a square] Oh, nevermind, it’s a condom.

 **Washington:** Thomas, I’m concerned about your spending habits.

 **Jefferson:** What? Why?!

 **Hamilton:** Maybe because you don’t have enough money to buy a fucking biscuit.

 **Voice:** DID SOMEONE SAY ‘FUCKING’?!?!

[Franklin runs in, nude except for an adult diaper.]

 **Franklin:** Hey, hey, hey, Big Ben is here!

[A nurse runs in after him]

 **Nurse:** Dr. Franklin, it’s time for your hourly catheter 3!

 **Madison:** Um…you get one… _every hour_?

 **Franklin:** Sure! How else do you think I managed to avoid contracting STDs after countless affairs, orgies, and nights of partying 4?

 **Jefferson:** I…take it you had fun in France 5?

 **Washington:** Dr. Franklin, you’re a wise, intelligent, respectable man 6. Would you-

 **Franklin:** Wait, give me a second to scratch my ass. It itches 7. [Scratches his butt] You were saying?

 **Washington:** We are having a, um, get-together tomorrow. And we’ll need some sensible voices. Would you like to come?

 **Franklin:** Have I ever overdosed on Viagra and had to get my stomach pumped? [Pause] HELL YES!

 **Jefferson:** Wait, what kind of ‘get-together’ is this?

 **Washington:** Don’t worry, it won’t be like the last one.

 **Madison:** Thank God. I still have the welts from the paddle.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

  1. When he died he owed more than $1,000,000 in today’s money damn TJ no wonder Washington put Hamilton in charge of the treasury <https://www.monticello.org/site/research-and-collections/debt>
  2. <https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Thomas_Jefferson_and_slavery> He made international slave trading illegal but had no problem with the slave trade within America??? If he were an animal he’d be a hippo bc he’s a hippo-crite.
  3. <https://www.google.com/#q=who+invented+the+urinary+catheter> He invented it, but (to my knowledge) did _not_ use one every hour.
  4. Franklin was not very…chaste… <http://www.cracked.com/blog/6-historic-figures-who-had-more-sex-than-you-ever-will/> (He also claims [“by great luck I escaped”](http://www.counter-currents.com/2012/08/benjamin-franklin-on-sex-marriage-and-family/) getting an STD)
  5. He was sent to France as a diplomat to try to get funds for America and the French absolutely adored him. Probably because he banged all of the women <http://www.pbs.org/benfranklin/l3_world_france.html>
  6. He actually was really respected, both back then and now, and he did so much stuff in addition to all the debauchery <http://thefranklininn.com/history/benjamin-franklin-achievements-contributions/> #Workhardplayhard
  7. He was, however, somewhat crass. [He wrote an essay called “Fart Proudly”.](http://teachingamericanhistory.org/library/document/to-the-royal-academy-of-farting/)




	11. Chapter 11

Scene 11:

[Hamilton, Lafayette, Washington, and Madison are sitting at a table. Adams walks in.]

 **Hamilton:** DAFUQ IS HE HERE FOR 1?!?

 **Washington:** He’s here to help Thomas, just like all of us are. And what did I say, back when you were my son, about not being so aggressive?

 **Hamilton:** HOW AM I AGGRESSIVE?

 **Madison:** Once you challenged the entire Democratic-Republican party to a fight 2.

 **Hamilton:** I WILL RIP OUT YOUR FUCKING TRACHEA.

 **Adams:** I’m just gonna sit down… [Sits down]

 **Hamilton:** Shouldn’t you be off not doing anything of any importance?

 **Adams:** Hey! I do plenty of things!

 **Hamilton:** You’re the fucking vice president. No you don’t 3.

 **Madison:** Yeah, I have to agree with Hamilton.

 **Lafayette:** Oui, yo tambien.

 **Adams:** Okay, well, I have done things! I helped write the Declaration 4, I was a lawyer5-

 **Lafayette:** Oh! So you have no, how do you say, soul, either?

 **Washington:** Everyone, please, we can’t be fighting. We are here to help Thomas.

[Everyone murmurs in agreement. The door flies open and Franklin walks in, wearing a fur coat, a fedora with a feather, and holding a pimp cane.]

 **Franklin:** WAZZUP BITCHEEEES! [Sits down and folds his hands.] All right, is the meeting about to start?

 **Washington:** Almost. We’re just waiting on-

[The door opens and Jefferson walks in. He looks around.]

 **Jefferson:** What…what’s going on? Why is everyone here?

 **Washington:** Thomas, we are here because we are worried about you. Because we care about you.

 **Jefferson:** Yeah, don’t really have time for this free-love hippie bullshit. So I’m just gonna go to Biscuitville. [He turns to leave]

 **Hamilton:** [Yells] HOW ARE YOU GONNA PAY FOR IT?!

[Jefferson freezes. He turns around slowly.]

 **Jefferson:** Why…why do you ask?

 **Washington:** We’re here to talk to you about that. Your finances have become a serious problem.

 **Jefferson:** Holy shit is this a FUCKNG INTERVENTION?

 **Franklin:** Finally, an intervention that isn’t about me!

 **Jefferson:** Nope. Nuh-uh. I’m out!

 **Lafayette:** Nein! [Springs up and grabs Jefferson] Thomas, you need help!

 **Jefferson:** [Struggling] No…I…don’t!

[Hamilton gets up and slaps Jefferson.]

 **Hamilton:** Sit the fuck down, bitch! [Shoves Jefferson to the table]

 **Jefferson:** FINE! I’ll stay- but just to show how ridiculous this is!

 **Washington:** Thank you. Now I think the best way to start is by looking at your recent purchases. Madison?

[Madison pulls out a stack of paper.]

 **Jefferson:** Er, is this really necessary?

 **Madison:** [Reading] “$200 on 5,000 pounds of pasta 6\- “

 **Jefferson:** I have to eat!

 **Madison:** “$500 on morphine- “

 **Franklin:** Um, maybe we should be concerned about something else besides his finances?

 **Jefferson:** I get migraines 7!

 **Madison:** “$2,670 on books 8- “

 **Washington:** LOL nerd!

 **Madison:** “$1,260 on 420 marijuana plants- “

 **Jefferson:** 420 blaze it! [Clears throat] I mean, I grow it for the hemp 9. Y’know, ropes and stuff…yeah…

 **Madison:** “$375 on magenta-colored pants 10\- “

 **Hamilton:** What the actual fuck.

 **Madison:** “$900 on lubricant- “

 **Franklin:** Don’t worry, I’ve spent more than that on lube!

 **Madison:** “$3,800 on wine 11\- “

 **Jefferson:** It’s okay because this is the 1780’s and by today’s standards I’m not an alcoholic.

[Everyone murmurs in agreement.]

 **Madison:** “$600 on platinum blond hair dye 12\- “

 **Jefferson:** If you were a ginger, you’d dye your hair too!”

 **Madison:** “And $6,300 on biscuits from Biscuitville.”

 **Jefferson:** Okay maybe I can cut back a little on that.

 **Adams:** Thomas, you’ve spent $16,605. In 1780’s money. IN THE PAST MONTH ALONE.

 **Madison:** Oh, no, we ain’t done. There’s 50 more pages, this was just the stuff I felt was the most egregious.

[Silence.]

 **Washington:** Do you see now? How serious this is?

 **Hamilton:** I hate your guts, but even I’m concerned for you.

 **Jefferson:** Why? I’m fine. I don’t need you! I don’t need _anyone!_ [Breaks down sobbing.]

 **Lafayette:** Don’t cry, mon amie! It’s okay!

 **Madison:** Yeah, we’re here for you.

 **Jefferson:** It’s just so hard…y’know…being….

 **Hamilton:** Being a massive douche?

[The others shush him.]

 **Adams:** It’s hard being what?

 **Jefferson:** Being…a, a… A GINGER! [He puts his head down on the table and bawls.]

 **Washington:** That doesn’t matter to us! We still love you!

 **Hamilton:** Actually-

 **Franklin:** Yeah, there is so much more to you than just your red hair.

 **Washington:** And since we care about you so much, we want to help you with your shopping addiction.

 **Jefferson:** [Sniffling] Okay.

 **Everyone:** Hooray!

[Washington stands up.]

 **Washington:** Since the intervention was such a success, let’s celebrate by going to Biscuitville!

 

 

 

 

 

 

  1. Adams and Hamilton didn’t get along very well. <https://itshamiltime.com/2015/02/23/death-feud-john-adams-obsession-with-hamiltons-legacy/> Adams dragged Hamilton even after he was dead like damn why are all the founding fathers so petty.
  2. [ I am not exaggerating or joking in the slightest this really happened](https://books.google.com/books?id=Wmz3tNhWm7UC&pg=PR14&lpg=PR14&dq=Then,+dramatically+waving+his+fist+in+the+air,+he+upped+the+ante,+offering+%E2%80%9Cto+fight+the+Whole+%E2%80%98Detestable+faction%E2%80%99+one+by+one,%E2%80%9D&source=bl&ots=ILQTq6QJG-&sig=rp1-M91AuxsnNOj7rR5BiVyMeIY&hl=en&sa=X&ved=0ahUKEwidkMCL6ZLQAhVizlQKHTTWAu0Q6AEIIjAB#v=onepage&q=Then%2C%20dramatically%20waving%20his%20fist%20in%20the%20air%2C%20he%20upped%20the%20ante%2C%20offering%20%E2%80%9Cto%20fight%20the%20Whole%20%E2%80%98Detestable%20faction%E2%80%99%20one%20by%20one%2C%E2%80%9D&f=false) Alex you gotta find some fucking chill
  3. <http://www.shmoop.com/executive-branch/the-vice-president.html> Fun fact the reason the Republican party nominated Teddy Roosevelt for vice president was because they knew that the vice president has no power whatsoever so it would keep him from doing anything significant. Then McKinley got shot so there goes that plan.
  4. <http://www.constitutionfacts.com/us-declaration-of-independence/drafting-the-declaration/>
  5. He defended the British soldiers from the Boston Massacre in court and got them off free, no wonder no one likes Adams. <http://millercenter.org/president/biography/adams-life-before-the-presidency>
  6. <http://mentalfloss.com/article/62565/5-foods-thomas-jefferson-introduced-or-made-popular-america> Jefferson was so obsessed with pasta he designed a macaroni machine
  7. Jeezum he had a migraine that lasted over a month once <http://www.healthcentral.com/migraine/c/202/64293/migraineurs-thomas/>
  8. <https://www.loc.gov/exhibits/jefferson/jefflib.html>
  9. <https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/List_of_United_States_politicians_who_have_acknowledged_cannabis_use> “farmed” it aight sure TJ


  1. [Fuckin’ stylin’](https://books.google.com/books?id=XVrBQM6fOXgC&pg=PA290&lpg=PA290&dq=thomas+jefferson+red+pants&source=bl&ots=Ze7Nv74gFM&sig=C-4asXe_bKLM1_XqsrgPjK_I4TA&hl=en&sa=X&ved=0ahUKEwjap--t7JLQAhUrslQKHbTuDhQQ6AEIdTAW#v=onepage&q=thomas%20jefferson%20red%20pants&f=false)
  2. He owned the most expensive white wine ever sold. <http://www.forbes.com/2003/11/19/cx_np_1119feat.html> Between the wine, bright red pants, and hemp, it must’ve been turnt as hell at Monticello.
  3. Okay they didn’t have hair dye back then but they had powder and he claims “[it is almost a necessary](http://content.time.com/time/specials/packages/article/0,28804,2029961_2029964_2029990,00.html)”




	12. Chapter 12

Scene 12:

[Washington, Madison, Adams, Franklin, Hamilton, Jefferson, and Lafayette are in line at Biscuitville. Madison leans in towards Washington.]

 **Madison:** Sir, do you think it was a good idea to go to Biscuitville?

 **Washington:** When the fuck is it _not_ a good idea to go to Biscuitville?

 **Madison:** While I would normally agree, we did just tell Jefferson he shouldn’t spend so much.

 **Washington:** That’s right, hmm. What should we do?

 **Madison:** You could buy him-

 **Washington:** I’ve got it! [Turns to Jefferson] Thomas, you are forbidden from buying anything from Biscuitville until further notice! [Turns back to Madison] There, that should solve it.

[Jefferson starts twitching.]

 **Madison:** Sir, would it be better to wean him off? I mean, he’s gotten used to eating Biscuitville twice a day.

 **Washington:** No, no, quitting cold turkey is best. [Pauses] Oooh, I should get a turkey bacon biscuit.

 **Lafayette:** I am getting a, how do you say, country ham biscuit!

 **Adams:** I’m getting a cheddar cheese one!

 **Washington:** Thomas, what are you get- oh, wait, nevermind.

[Jefferson starts muttering, along with twitching.]

 **Madison:** Sir, I have a bad feeling about this!

 **Washington:** Don’t worry, I’m sure that my forbidding him to go to Biscuitville will not have any unfortunate consequences!


	13. Chapter 13

Scene 13:

[Madison and Jefferson are walking down a dirt lane to Jefferson’s house. Jefferson’s hair is part red, part white.]

 **Madison:** It’s been a whole week since you’ve been to Biscuitville. I hope you aren’t planning anything drastic.

 **Jefferson:** Don’t worry, I’m sure that Washington’s ominous line at the end of the last scene is in no way indicative of my future actions!

 **Madison:** That’s good! How are you handling not having any…y’know…

 **Jefferson:** Any what, dear friend?

 **Madison:** Not having any hair dye.

[Jefferson freezes.]

 **Jefferson:** You mean, having GINGER HAIR? [He lets out a primal scream and falls to his knees.] WHY! WHY! WHY!

 **Madison:** Hey, now we’re the same height 1!

 **Jefferson:** WHY IS LIFE SO CRUEL?!

 **Madison:** It’s all right, you just need to get your finances in order, and then you can start buying hair dye again.

 **Jefferson:** ARRGH! [He rips open his neon yellow shirt, which he is wearing with magenta pants because he has no sense of fashion whatsoever 2.]

 **Madison:** Um…it’s not that big of a deal…

 **Jefferson:** WHAT?!

[The door to Jefferson’s house opens and Sally walks out.]

 **Sally:** Is everything all right? I heard yelling.

[Jefferson falls onto his face and starts rolling around in the dirt.]

 **Madison:** He’s not taking all of these… _changes_ very well.

 **Sally:** Oh, believe me, I know. He ate 30 pounds of pasta last night and said he deserved it since he can’t eat at…well…you know the place.

 **Madison:** Yes, I do.

 **Sally:** Anyway, I’d better get him inside. You’re welcome to stay, Mr. Madison.

 **Madison:** Oh, no, I must get going. [He goes back up the path.]

 **Sally:** [calls cheerfully] Come back soon!

 **Jefferson:** Sally?

 **Sally:** [turns to Jefferson] Yes?

 **Jefferson:** Do you still think I’m…pretty?

 **Sally:** [slaps Jefferson] Shut the fuck up and stop whining 3!

 **Jefferson:** I’m just so distraught about my hair!

 **Sally:** I would be too, it looks like a tomato dropped on your head and then a bird shat all over it!

 **Jefferson:** BUT AM I PRETTY.

 **Sally:** How the fuck can anyone be pretty wearing magenta and neon fucking yellow? Seriously, how the hell do you pick your outfits, just close your eyes and grab the closest item?

 **Jefferson:** Martha used to pick out my outfits for me.

 **Sally:** Oh, you mean your dead wife who was my half-sister?

 **Jefferson:** That’s the one!

 **Sally:** [shaking her head and mumbling under her breath] Why is every founding father so fucked up 4?

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

  1. <http://www.presidenstory.com/stat_tal.php> There was almost a foot difference between them, just imagine Madison wanting to talk shit about someone to Jefferson so he has to stand up on his tiptoes and he still can’t reach Jefferson’s ear.
  2. <https://www.monticello.org/site/research-and-collections/jeffersons-clothing> He wore leather pants asdaflgjhlkl I give up on everything.
  3. Okay so this didn’t actually happen (at least there are no records of it) but I wish it had.
  4. I ask myself the same thing every single day.




	14. Chapter 14

Scene 14:

[Washington and Hamilton are at a table, writing primary sources for future historians1. Lafayette bursts in, waving around a piece of paper.]

 **Lafayette:** Look, pere, I just wrote a letter to Great Britain telling them to, how do you say, go fuck themselves!

 **Washington:** Yep, that’s exactly how you say it! Let me read the letter! [Lafayette hands him the paper. Washington scans it.] This is very good! And your English is improving- there aren’t any spelling mistakes!

 **Hamilton:** [looks up, outraged] Only because I proofread it for him 2!

 **Lafayette:** Oui, it’s true, I did ask Alex for help.

 **Washington:** Well, I’m proud of you for knowing when to ask for help. There are lots of people whose egos are too big to admit they need help.

 **Hamilton:** MY EGO IS NOT TOO BIG-uh, I mean, uh, don’t call me son!

 **Washington:** Oh, don’t worry, I wouldn’t dream of doing that. You’re no longer my son, so there’s no need to address you as such.

 **Hamilton:** GREAT. [he gets up and runs out of the room screaming]

 **Washington:** I wonder what that was all about?

 **Lafayette:** I hope it’s not because he had no father growing up, and you’re the first paternal figure in his life, and since you always called him son he started feeling like your actual child, but now that you don’t call him that anymore, it’s like being rejected by the closest thing to a father that he ever had or ever will have, and as a result he has a lot of emotional anguish.

 **Washington:** That was…oddly specific…

 **Lafayette:** Oui, I learned it from your line at the end of scene, how do you say, 12!

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

  1. And holy shit, did they leave a lot of primary source. <http://founders.archives.gov/> has 7,623 writings from Hamilton and fucking 31,241 from Washington.
  2. Hamilton actually did proofread some of Lafayette’s letters <https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Gilbert_du_Motier,_Marquis_de_Lafayette> (it’s under second voyage to America)




	15. Chapter 15

Scene 15:

[Hamilton runs into the bathroom and starts banging his head against the wall.]

 **Hamilton:** WHY…WHY…WHY…

 **Monroe:** Um, did something happen?

[Hamilton turns around and sees Monroe, who is shaving at one of the sinks.]

 **Hamilton:** Are you just always in the bathroom?

 **Monroe:** What am I supposed to do besides look pretty 1? Like, name one of my other contributions to history.

 **Hamilton:** Um…well…there’s…oh, the Monroe Doctrine!

 **Monroe:** John Quincy Adams wrote that 2.

 **Hamilton:** Well, shit. That’s really misleading.

 **Monroe:** Yeah, most of history is. Now, what were you being so angsty over?

 **Hamilton:** I’M NOT ANGSTY!

 **Monroe:** Just like how you were ‘fine’ and then ripped a sink off the wall? That was the only sink with hot water, by the way.

 **Hamilton:** IS THIS HOT ENOUGH FOR YOU?! [he gets out a lighter and lights the towel dispenser on fire, then storms out.]

 **Monroe:** That’s…a bit too hot, actually, but thanks for trying.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

  1. This lady said he was “tall and well-formed” <https://www.whitehouse.gov/1600/presidents/jamesmonroe>
  2. <http://factmyth.com/factoids/james-monroe-wrote-the-monroe-doctrine/>




	16. Chapter 16

Scene 16:

[Jefferson is sitting in a chair in his house. Sally stands behind him, brushing his hair.]

 **Jefferson:** It’s just, I don’t think I’m emotionally ready to go back to being a ginger.

 **Sally:** [mutters] I’m not emotionally ready to deal with your fucking bullshit.

[Jefferson doesn’t hear her.]

 **Jefferson:** Everyone _else_ in the cabinet has blond hair 1! Why can’t I?

 **Sally:** How about our society stops basing attractiveness off European standards of beauty? Huh?

 **Jefferson:** I WISH I WAS FRENCH 2! [he puts his head into his hands and starts sobbing.]

 **Sally:** _That’s_ what you’re taking away from this? Are you fucking serious? You know, maybe if all you white people would pull your head out of your ass and actually thought about other people once in a while, you all wouldn’t commit such atrocious acts and pass it off as civilizing-

 **Jefferson:** I’VE GOT IT! [stands up]

 **Sally:** A way to end all the white nonsense? I highly doubt it.

 **Jefferson:** I can make my own hair dye!

 **Sally:** …And I was right.

 **Jefferson:** Come on, let’s find some white stuff! [he walks out, oblivious to his overtly sexual line.]

 **Sally:** You don’t pay me enough for this. [pause] OH, WAIT, THAT’S RIGHT, YOU DON’T PAY ME AT ALL! Stupid ginger bastard…

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

  1. Actually, [Hamilton had auburn hair](http://foundingbrothersproject.weebly.com/alexander-hamilton.html), and Lafayette (who for the intents and purposes of this fanfiction was part of the cabinet) [was also a ginger](http://redhairmyths.blogspot.com/2015/05/the-revolution-continues.html). But just pretend otherwise.
  2. If you look up the definition of “Francophile”, you’ll see TJ. [I’m dead fucking serious he’s on the fucking Wikipedia page for Francophile.](https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Francophile)




	17. Chapter 17

Scene 17:

[Franklin is sitting on a patient’s bed in a doctor’s office, wearing a patient’s gown. The doctor walks in.]

 **Doctor:** Well, I have good news and bad news.

 **Franklin:** What’s the good news?

 **Doctor:** You have no new STD’s.

 **Franklin:** HELL YES! [He jumps off the bed and turns to leave, revealing his buttocks that are exposed due to the gown.]

 **Doctor:** But wait! There’s more!

[Franklin spins around in place.]

 **Doctor:** Your blood pressure is awfully high 1. You are at a high risk for a heart attack. As such, you should abstain from vigorous activities.

 **Franklin:** Like what?

 **Doctor:** Oh, you know…running, weight-lifting, and, uh… [he forms a hole with one hand and pokes a finger into it with the other.]

 **Franklin:** What, crocheting?

 **Doctor:** Um…no.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

  1. He didn’t have high blood pressure, but [he did have a history of kidney stones and the gout](https://amphilsoc.org/sites/default/files/proceedings/1520203.pdf). However, considering how [he lived to be 84](https://www.google.com/#q=ben+franklin+age) when the average life expectancy was in the late 30s, he had to have had pretty good health




	18. Chapter 18

Scene 18:

[Monroe is looking in the bathroom mirror, plucking his eyebrows. Suddenly, there is the sound of a man weeping in one of the stalls. Monroe pauses, then goes over and pushes open the door to a stall. Franklin is there, crying on the toilet.]

 **Monroe:** Oh, thank God. At first I thought Alex was being angsty again.

 **Franklin:** Yeah, he’s like a 15-year-old emo poet1.

 **Monroe:** Tell me about it. Yesterday, I asked him if he was all right, and he punched a hole in the wall.

[Flashback to Monroe standing by the hole with a look of horror on his face. Washington walks by, exclaims “Oh, it’s a glory hole!” and walks on.]

 **Monroe:** Anyway, what’s going on with you?

 **Franklin:** Well, I went to the doctor yesterday-

 **Monroe:** Did they find another strain of syphilis?

 **Franklin:** I wish that was all it was! The STD clinic is my home away from home. [sniffs] No, the doctor told me I CAN’T HAVE S*X ANYMORE! [starts bawling]

 **Monroe:** Holy shit, that’s awful!

 **Franklin:** And I had an underground orgy planned for tonight 2!

 **Monroe:** An under- yeah. Okay. I’m honestly not even surprised at this point.

 **Franklin:** What am I gonna tell everybody? There are 33 women who are expecting some serious s*x!

 **Monroe:** [slowly] Actually…I may have an idea…

 

 

 

 

 

  1. Hamilton really was just so extra like in this letter to Laurens he says “[I hate Congress—I hate the army—I hate the world—I hate myself.](http://founders.archives.gov/documents/Hamilton/01-02-02-0851)” How much more melodramatic can you get (also I highly recommend reading all of the Hamilton/Laurens letters you will actually feel your heart shattering and will start sobbing 10/10 recommend)
  2. I COULD NOT MAKE THIS UP IF I TRIED. Franklin was part of this group called the [“Hellfire Club”](http://www.montaguemillennium.com/familyresearch/monks.htm) and this group had like [a secret cave](http://beforeitsnews.com/alternative/2013/05/hell-fire-club-secret-society-sex-satanism-and-secret-societies-2662198.html) where they would [have orgies with prostitutes dressed as nuns](https://www.geni.com/projects/Hellfire-Club/11901) and get totally smashed and possibly perform satanic rituals. And on an unrelated note, I love history so much.




	19. Chapter 19

Scene 19:

[Hamilton and Laurens are sitting by a river, looking into the water.]

 **Hamilton:** When will my reflection show who I am inside?

 **Laurens:** At least you _have_ a reflection.

 **Hamilton:** Oh, yeah. Sorry about you, you know, being dead.

 **Laurens:** [shrugs] At least I died serving my country and fighting for freedom, and not for something pointless like a stupid duel 1.

[Pause for the dramatic irony to sink in.]

 **Laurens:** Ironic foreshadowing aside, you should tell Washington how you feel.

 **Hamilton:** But I’m terrible at expressing my emotions!

 **Laurens:** I don’t know, you’ve written some letters to me that are pretty explicit.

 **Hamilton:** But that’s-

 **Laurens:** In fact, your descendants will censor your letters to me, so historians can deny our romantic relationship 2.

 **Hamilton:** But that’s with _you_ , Laurens. I don’t feel the same way about you as I do with everyone else. You’re…special.

 **Laurens:** You’re pretty special to me, too 3.

[They gaze into each other’s eyes.]

  **Hamilton:** You have the bluest eyes I’ve ever seen…

[They lean in slowly, closing the gap between them, until their lips touch.]

 **Jefferson:** OOOHHH! Laurens and Hammy, sitting in a tree!

[Laurens and Hamilton quickly split apart.]

 **Hamilton:** Actually, we’re sitting on a riverbank, YOU ABSOLUTE DUMB-ASS.

 **Jefferson:** At least I’m not making out with a ghost!

 **Hamilton:** Fuk you you fukin-

 **Jefferson:** Hey, wait, aren’t you married?

 **Hamilton:** Oh, don’t worry, this isn’t the first time I’ve cheated on my wife 4!

 **Laurens:** Yeah, she’s kinda used to it by now.

[Scene cuts to Eliza burning a pile of letters5, Hamilton’s clothes, and his beloved stuffed unicorn6.]

 **Hamilton:** Anyway, at least I’m not a ginger!

 **Jefferson:** YOU WANNA FUCKIN GO?!

[Hamilton leaps at Jefferson, pushing him into the river. They roll around, grunting and groaning.]

 **Laurens:** … Why do I feel vaguely jealous?

 **Washington:** What is this?!?

 **Laurens:** HERE COMES THE GENERAL!

 **Jefferson:** Dafuq was that?

 **Laurens:** Idk, I just thought I’d announce him.

[Washington walks up, angry.]

 **Washington:** _What_ is going on here?

 **Hamilton:** Well, um, you see, sir, JEFFERSON’S A FUCKING BITCH!

 **Jefferson:** At least I never cheated on my wife 7!

 **Washington:** Both of you, quiet! I have had it with your fighting! Now, for the sake of the cabinet and for a nice plot line, I think you two need to spend some quality time together, until you can work out your differences.

 **Jefferson:** Oh, but since it’s your opinion, we are free to ignore it.

 **Washington:** BITCH I’M GEORGE FUCKING WASHINGTON. If you disagree with me, the rest of the country will burn you at the fucking stake.

 **Hamilton:** So…

 **Washington:** So you fuckers are going to be roomies!

 **Jefferson:** Wut.

 **Hamilton:** WHAT?!

 **Laurens:** Can I stay with Hamilton?

 **Washington:** Of course, I ship you two so hard 8!

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

  1. Actually, it was kinda pointless since [the battle he died in](https://www.google.com/#q=john+laurens+death) was fought after the British had surrendered at Yorktown. Which he would’ve known about since [he was kinda, y’know, at Yorktown when they surrendered](https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Siege_of_Yorktown).
  2. So John Church Hamilton published his dad’s letters, but in [this one](http://founders.archives.gov/documents/Hamilton/01-02-02-0100) (which is, imho, one of the most iconic letters ever written) he crossed out 5 words and wrote “I must not publish the whole of this”. And since the previous sentence was Hamilton describing how big his “nose” (dick) is, it makes you wonder what is so much worse than that that it warrants being crossed out. (Someone got the microfilm of the letter, did some handwriting analysis, and [came up with a plausible result](http://ciceroprofacto.tumblr.com/post/149351486726/those-five-words))
  3. Considering how Laurens used [the same term of endearment](https://www.theodysseyonline.com/6-reasons-alexander-hamilton-john-laurens-totally-boyfriends) towards his wife as he did to Hamilton (he calls her “dear girl” and Hamilton “dear boy”), yeah, I’d say Hamilton was pretty special to him.
  4. I know you’ve all listened to _Hamilton_ , you all know about the [Reynolds’ Pamphlet](https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Hamilton%E2%80%93Reynolds_sex_scandal). (My personal favorite part of [the pamphlet](http://founders.archives.gov/documents/Hamilton/01-21-02-0138-0002) is “I took the bill out of my pocket and gave it to her. Some conversation ensued from which it was quickly apparent that other than pecuniary consolation would be acceptable.”)
  5. Again, you’ve all heard _Hamilton_ , you know Eliza [destroyed all of the letters](https://b-womeninamericanhistory18.blogspot.com/2013/10/elizabeth-schuyler-hamilton-1757-1854.html) she wrote him.
  6. Back in the day, people would [store their gunpowder in horns](http://www.crazycrow.com/powder-horns), and a lot of times they would carve designs or pictures into them. Fucking Hamilton carved [a fucking unicorn](http://www.minyanville.com/special-features/articles/alexander-hamilton-alexander-hamilton2527s-powder-horn/6/10/2010/id/28690) into his, why is every founding father a fucking loser
  7. TJ was really devoted to his wife and right before she died, she asked him to never remarry, [and he promised he wouldn’t. He didn’t](https://historyfan2.wordpress.com/2010/04/25/thomas-jeffersons-grief-over-his-wifes-death-and-his-promise-to-her/). (Course he still had affairs with women after her death, but he didn’t promise not to and also he didn’t cheat on his wife, publish a pamphlet about it, and subsequently ruin her life and the life of his mistress.)
  8. [Washington was actually pretty gay-friendly](http://www.lgbtqnation.com/2016/02/george-washington-the-gay-friendly-father-of-our-country/), he hired Baron von Steuben who was a known homosexual and even brought his lover to Valley Forge as his aide-de-camp. [Then Washington assigned Hamilton and Laurens to work with Steuben and his lover](https://www.nps.gov/vafo/learn/historyculture/vonsteuben.htm). Plus, Laurens and Hamilton [slept in the same bedroom](http://nicksternet.blogspot.com/2008/06/patriots-in-arms.html)…and possibly the same bed.




	20. Chapter 20

Scene 20:

[Sally is drinking from a bottle of wine inside Jefferson’s house. There’s the sound of the door rattling, and she scrambles to get a duster, pretending she’s been cleaning the whole time. Jefferson walks in, followed by Hamilton.]

 **Sally:** What the actual fuck?

 **Jefferson:** Washington said that-

 **Sally:** Actually, I don’t care. [she starts dusting a bookshelf] But my limit is 4 white men in the house at once, so you can only invite 2 other people over.

 **Hamilton:** He didn’t exactly invite me…

 **Sally:** Well, glad to see you aren’t a vampire. I secretly suspect all white people are, since they’re a bunch of pale, bloodthirsty monsters.

 **Hamilton:** Um…I’m just gonna put my stuff down…

[Laurens floats in through the door.]

 **Laurens:** So this is our new home, huh?

 **Sally:** Now you can only invite… 1 and 2/5ths white men over.

 **Laurens:** I only count as 3/5ths of a person?!

 **Sally:** IT DOESN’T FEEL GOOD, DOES IT 1?

 **Laurens:** I don’t support the 3/5ths compromise! I am vehemently against slavery 2, and I was trying to create the first all-black battalion during the Revolutionary War3!

 **Sally:** … Okay this guy isn’t a vampire. Here, have some wine I nicked from the ginger. [holds out the wine bottle.]

 **Jefferson:** What was that?

 **Sally:** Oh, nothing. But Mr. Madison was looking for you, so you could walk with him to the cabinet building. He said he left his coat there, and he’s afraid he’ll get a cold, but he’s also afraid to walk around by himself after dark.

 **Hamilton:** … He is like the human form of a feather 4.

 **Jefferson:** Better than being the human form of a piece of _shit_!

[Jefferson leaves to help his feathery friend.]

 **Hamilton:** Sally?

 **Sally:** Yes?

 **Hamilton:** How do you put up with him?

 **Sally:** [lets out a long sigh] A combination of prayer, wine, and subtle sabotage.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

  1. She’s referring to the 3/5ths compromise, which said that, for population purposes, slaves would count as 3/5ths as a person. <https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Three-Fifths_Compromise> Sometimes I wonder how they come up with this stuff. Then I remember like half of them grew hemp.
  2. <https://foundersandslavery.wordpress.com/2015/03/05/john-laurens-the-revolutionary-footnote/>
  3. <http://www.revolutionary-war.net/john-laurens.html>



        Laurens: We should give slaves their freedom in exchange for fighting for us!

        South Carolina: Lol you wild, wyd tho?

  1. <http://www.doctorzebra.com/prez/g04.htm#source_1> He was pretty frail, but he did live to be 2 years older than Jefferson did, 38 years older than Hamilton did, and 58 years older than Laurens did. (It’s amazing what getting shot does to your lifespan)




	21. Chapter 21

Scene 21:

[Madison and Jefferson are walking down the dirt lane to the cabinet building.]

 **Jefferson:** Makin’ my way downtown, walkin’ fast, faces pass, and I’m homebound! NAH-NA-NA, NA-NA, NAH-NA-NA- Holy shit!

[They have reached the cabinet building, where there is a large neon sign of a naked woman, underwear on the lawn, and Monroe spinning a sign around that says “Cabinet Wood”.]

 **Madison:** Zounds, are those woman’s bosoms showing?!

 **Jefferson:** So, um, pardon me for asking, but, uh, _what the fucking hell is fucking happening?_

 **Monroe:** [spotting Madison and Jefferson] Hey guys! We turned the cabinet building into a strip club!

 **Madison:** Named “Cabinet Wood”?

 **Monroe:** Yeah, because it’s the cabinet building, and we want guys to get wood!

 **Jefferson:** Why…just…why.

 **Monroe:** Well, Ben found out he can’t have sex anymore-

[Jefferson and Madison gasp in horror.]

 **Monroe:** Yeah, I know. But he had 33 women lined up for an orgy, so we figured, why not give them another outlet for sex?

 **Madison:** Oh, well, I guess that makes sense…

 **Monroe:** Yeah, there’s just one problem…

 **Jefferson:** What’s that?

[Monroe opens his mouth to speak, but is interrupted by an 80-year-old lady wearing lingerie who opens the front door and walks outside.]

 **Old Lady:** James, Gladys fell while she was swinging around the pole and now she can’t get up.

 **Monroe:** [sighs] That’s the fifth girl today! [to Madison and Jefferson] As it turns out, Ben has a thing for older women 1. So out of 33 women, only 1 is under 75.

[Madison runs off-screen. The sounds of someone retching are heard.]

 **Monroe:** … And she’s 74.

[More retching sounds.]

 **Jefferson:** …Wut.

 **Old Lady:** [to Jefferson] So, Red, do the carpets match the drapes?

 **Jefferson:** You know what, Jemmy 2, you can borrow my coat. All of them. And all my other clothes. I’ll buy you a whole new wardrobe, okay, let’s just get the hell out of here.

 **Monroe:** All right, but if you guys change your minds, we’ll be here for a while.

 **Jefferson:** At least until Washington finds out about it.

 **Monroe:** Oh, no, he already knows. He’s cool with it.

 **Jefferson:** He’s cool with the government’s headquarters being used for 33 old ladies stripping?

 **Monroe:** It’s not just old ladies. We also have to have strippers for the people attracted to men.

 **Jefferson:** Who-

[The front door opens again and Washington walks out, dressed in a G-string and his stripper heels. Madison walks onscreen, sees Washington, then turns and walks back off-screen.]

 **Washington:** Bertha’s dentures fell out, and Greta slipped on them and broke a hip.

 **Monroe:** SON OF A BITCH!

[Monroe runs inside. Washington sees Jefferson.]

 **Washington:** Oh, hey, Thomas! Have you come to catch the show? [Jefferson stares at him in horror.] Don’t look like that! Sometimes a guy just wants to feel sexy 3!

 **Jefferson:** Wut.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

  1. He wrote a letter to a friend explaining why older women make better lovers <https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Advice_to_a_Friend_on_Choosing_a_Mistress> Ben knew what he liked, good for him
  2. Sometimes Madison was referred to as “Jemmy”, they claim they called him that because of his height but I think it was because there were so many damn James back then they couldn’t tell them apart. <https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/List_of_nicknames_of_Presidents_of_the_United_States>
  3. [x](http://rebrn.com/re/your-move-england-874323/)




	22. Chapter 22

Scene 22:

[Hamilton and Laurens are playing Jenga at Jefferson’s kitchen table. Hamilton is missing his belt and a shoe. Laurens is missing his coat and both his shoes. Hamilton pulls out a piece, and the tower falls.]

 **Laurens:** Jenga, Hammy! You have to take off a piece of clothing!

 **Hamilton:** [taking off his coat] You know, I quite like strip Jenga.

 **Laurens:** I like everything, as long as I can be with you.

[Laurens reaches out his hand and caresses Hamilton’s face. Hamilton closes his eyes from bliss. Then the door rattles, and his eyes snap back open.]

 **Hamilton:** Are you fucking kidding me?

[Jefferson walks in, looking like he had just seen his buddy slaughtered in front of him in ‘Nam or something. Hamilton and Laurens spring apart, as if they hadn’t been touching.]

 **Jefferson:** Look, I don’t care if you guys fuck, as long as you wait until I pass out. Which shouldn’t be too long. [grabs a bottle of vodka off the shelf and starts chugging it.]

 **Hamilton:** Uh, what happened?

 **Jefferson:** [stops drinking] Let’s just say that I’ve seen some things today that I need to forget. [resumes drinking]

 **Laurens:** I was in a war and I’ve never seen a person seem so traumatized.

[Jefferson lowers the now-empty bottle and lets out a burp.]

 **Jefferson:** So, word to the wise, don’t go to the cabinet building after dark.

 **Hamilton:** Is this some plot to get me fired?

 **Jefferson:** I wish! No, it’s just that, I went through things today that I wouldn’t wish on my worst enemy. Which is you. Now, I’m gonna go to bed and pray I don’t have nightmares. [stumbles down the hall to his room, and shuts the door.]

 **Laurens:** Wow.

 **Hamilton:** I almost feel sorry for him.

 **Laurens:** Yeah, me too.

[Pause.]

 **Hamilton:** So, you ready for another round of strip Jenga?

 **Laurens:** I thought you’d never ask!


	23. Chapter 23

Scene 23:

[Lafayette is walking towards the cabinet building the next morning. As he gets closer, he sees drunk men staggering outside. The lawn is still littered with underwear. Lafayette walks inside cautiously and see Washington, who is now dressed normally.]

 **Lafayette:** Pere, what happened here?!? It looks like there was a battle!

 **Washington:** Yeah, the battle of the Bulge 1! [chuckles] Oh, that’s a good one. I should tell James to use that for my stripper introduction.

 **Lafayette:** Quoi?

 **Washington:** Oh, uh, nothing. Now, promise me that you won’t come here after dark.

 **Lafayette:** Por que?

 **Washington:** Because there, um, are monsters. And they’ll…try to sell you life insurance!

 **Lafayette:** Mon Dieu!

 **Washington:** Si, si, so stay away!

 **Lafayette:** But that still doesn’t explain what happened here!

 **Washington:** It was…um…a…insurance convention!

 **Lafayette:** [gasps] That sounds horrible!

 **Washington:** Yes, indeed. Now, come along my son, let’s go to Biscuitville.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

  1. [The Battle of the Bulge](https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Battle_of_the_Bulge) was one of the last battles in WWII and it will also be the name of the history-themed strip club I’m gonna open so if any of you use it I will sue you.




	24. Chapter 24

Scene 24:

[Adams is sitting at a table, writing in a notebook. It is dark except for a solitary candle.]

 **Adams:** Dear Diary 1… today, I tried to go into the cabinet meeting. Alexander said I needed to get the fuck out. He also said I should go get him a drink. Washington said that would be the most work I’ve done in the past 2 years. Then they hi-fived. The sound of their flesh slapping together will haunt me forever-

[His wife, Abigail, runs in and turns the lights on.]

 **Abigail:** John! Stop writing your smutty fanfiction and listen to me!

 **Adams:** It’s not smut, it’s my diary!

 **Abigail:** Can I talk? Jesus. Anyway, John Quincy just backtalked to me!

 **Adams:** …I’m just gonna go back to this.

 **Abigail:** You can bitch later! Remember what I said when he was 12?

 **Adams:** Something about how you’re sick of everyone getting smallpox 2?

 **Abigail:** I said I would rather have him _drown_ than talk back to his parents 3.

 **Adams:** Um…that sounds a bit extreme.

 **Abigail:** NOT AS EXTREME AS IT WILL BE! [holds up a length of rope with a concrete block at the end of it]

 **Adams:** No, Abigail!

 **Abigail:** YES, ABIGAIL! [she runs out of the room]

 **Adams:** [sighs, and turns back to his diary] Then Franklin ran in naked and said the bathroom was out of toilet paper. He said that I should get some for him, since it’s not like I do any work. Why oh why is life so-

[Adams is interrupted by the sound of people chanting something outside.]

 **Adams:** Well, I am sure that this is something completely innocent and totally unrelated to the conversation I just had with Abigail.

 

 

 

 

1\. Adams really kept a diary and let’s be real, if he were alive today he totally would write fanfiction <http://www.masshist.org/digitaladams/archive/diary/>

2\. There was a smallpox epidemic in North America from 1775-1782, and Adams and Abigail both encouraged people to get inoculated against it.  <https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/1775%E2%80%9382_North_American_smallpox_epidemic>

3. [“Abigail one day wrote to her young children after a long sea voyage that if they had fallen into vice she would have preferred they drowned.”](http://www.historynet.com/abigail-adams) Abigail is my inspiration

 


	25. Chapter 25

Scene 25:

[Sally is standing next to the pantry in Jefferson’s kitchen, eating Oreos from the package. There is a knock on the door. Sally scrambles to put up the Oreos, and opens the door to reveal Madison standing there.]

 **Madison:** I came to see if Jefferson wanted to come with me to the town event.

[Jefferson runs into the room with a head scarf on.]

 **Jefferson:** [quickly, so Sally won’t notice what he’s wearing] ByeSallyI’llBeBackKayLater. [sprints towards the door]

 **Sally:** Oh, hellllll no! [grabs him by the collar] You’d better take my head scarf off before you spread the lice from your white-people hair!

[Jefferson sighs sadly and slowly removes the head scarf, revealing his bald head. Sally snatches the head scarf and storms off, muttering under her breath.]

 **Madison:** So…um…what the fuck?

 **Jefferson:** [buries his face in his hands] I couldn’t take being a ginger anymore! I just couldn’t! So I tried to make hair dye with mayonnaise, but then flies kept flying around my head, and I tried to put flour in my hair, but then it reminded me of biscuits, which reminded me of Biscuitville, and I got so upset I decided to just shave it off!

 **Madison:** Uh, I’m sorry…

 **Jefferson:** And I’m running low on macaroni! AND ALL MY HEMP PLANTS DIED!

 **Madison:** Why did they die?

 **Jefferson:** I don’t know! I was watering them twice a day with $500 bottles of wine.

 **Madison:** Thomas…I think you’re under a lot of stress. Maybe you should just stay home and rest.

 **Jefferson:** Are you going to be okay, walking to the event all by yourself?

 **Madison:** Well…yes! I will be! I can do things by myself!

 **Jefferson:** All right. Good luck! I believe in you!

 **Madison:** I will be just fine!

[Madison turns and walks out of the house. As soon as the door closes behind him, he gets jumped and is left lying on the ground.]

 **Madison:** Son of a bitch!


	26. Chapter 26

Scene 26:

[Hamilton and Laurens are walking towards the lake in the center of town. As they get closer, a crowd becomes visible. Chants of “burn the witch!” are heard.]

 **Hamilton:** This is so exciting!

 **Laurens:** I don’t know, it seems like a bit of an overreaction to drown John Quincy just because he talked back to his mother.

 **Hamilton:** Well, when I die John Quincy won’t attend my funeral 1, so I have no sympathy for him.

[They reach the lake. Abigail is standing on the bank, facing the crowd. Next to her is John Quincy, who has his hands tied with the rope that is attached to a concrete block.]

 **Abigail:** I made a vow long ago that I would rather have my son _perish_ than have him fall to vice!

[A cheer rises from the crowd.]

 **Abigail:** And 2 hours ago, I told him to fold the laundry. His response was “Why don’t you fold it yourself?”

[The crowd boos and hisses.]

 **Abigail:** Therefore…HE MUST DROWN!

[The crowd cheers, reaching a frenzy.]

 **Hamilton:** YEAH!

 **Laurens:** YEAH!

 **Madison:** [crawling towards the crowd, having just now arrived after being jumped] YEAH!

[Abigail begins leading John Quincy down the dock. The crowd is still cheering.]

 **Adams:** Wait! No! Stop!

[Adams runs up, and is greeted by boos from the crowd.]

 **Adams:** [to the crowd] Hey, stop it! [to Abigail] Don’t drown him!

[Someone in the audience yells “Get a real job!”.]

 **Abigail:** John, I love you 2, but get out of here. Our son must be punished!

[The crowd starts cheering again.]

 **Adams:** Stop cheering! My son is about to die!

 **Hamilton:** [yells] Thank God!

 **Adams:** How about we compromise? I know a diplomatic position that needs to be filled. What if, instead of drowning him, we send him to Russia 3?

 **Abigail:** [recoiling] Jesus, John, isn’t that a bit much?

 **Adams:** You were going to kill him!

 **Abigail:** …And? You want to send him to _Russia_.

 **John Quincy:** Honestly, I would rather be drowned.

 **Abigail:** Well, you’re not going to get your way. You’re going to Russia!

[The crowd cheers. John Quincy is led away, gently weeping. Hamilton turns to Laurens.]

 **Hamilton:** All of that excitement made me hungry. Wanna go to Biscuitville?

 **Laurens:** Sure! [they start walking down the dirt road to Biscuitville] Should we get a biscuit for Thomas? He hasn’t had one in like a month.

 **Hamilton:** Of course! Right after I gouge my fucking eyes out. That ginger demon can starve for all I care.

 

 

 

 

 

 

  1. [There isn’t even a reason given](https://books.google.com/books?id=oGffAwAAQBAJ&pg=PA406&lpg=PA406&dq=john+quincy+adams+alexander+hamilton+funeral&source=bl&ots=_A5DYj19Na&sig=Wl4dkOs7iVesNXTtWpR3kjAVuN0&hl=en&sa=X&ved=0ahUKEwiN9PnaiaXRAhXE0iYKHXtXA5o4ChDoAQg2MAc#v=onepage&q=john%20quincy%20adams%20alexander%20hamilton%20funeral&f=false), I guess John Quincy just couldn’t be arsed to go. Also, after Hamilton’s death, Abigail refused to wear to wear black and said [“Why then idolize a man who show[e]d on many occasions that he was a frail, weak man subdued by his passions?”](http://thefederalist.com/2015/10/08/the-adams-familys-revenge-against-alexander-hamilton/) Fucks given by the Adams family: 0
  2. This fanfiction might not show it very well, but Abigail and Adams were actually really in love and are total relationship goals. [In their letters, they would refer to each other as “my dearest friend”](http://harvardpress.typepad.com/off_the_page/2008/02/the-romance-of.html)
  3. In reality, it was Madison (who was then the president) who sent John Quincy to Russia. <https://www.nps.gov/adam/jqa-bio-page-2.htm>




	27. Chapter 27

Scene 27:

[Laurens and Hamilton are in line at Biscuitville. Jefferson storms in, brandishing a bayonet.]

**Jefferson:** EVERYONE PUT YOUR HANDS UP!

**Hamilton:** Why the fuck would-

**Jefferson:** I will shoot!

**Hamilton:** No you won’t, you’re too much of a wuss to go to jail.

**Jefferson:** I have to live with _you_ , I’m a million dollars in debt, I haven’t been to Biscuitville in a month, I went from a ginger to a baldie, and I saw George Washington dressed as a stripper! I have nothing to lose! NOW EVERYONE, HANDS UP!

[Everyone immediately complies. Jefferson walks over to the counter.]

**Jefferson:** All right, now give me all your biscuits!

**Cashier:** But you told me to put my hands up.

**Jefferson:** Oh, shit. You’re right. Okay, um, just kick the biscuits over to me.

**Laurens:** That seems unsanitary.

**Jefferson:** True, true. Let’s…here, you can just lead me to where the biscuits are, and I’ll take them.

[Jefferson goes around the counter, and the cashier and him disappear into the backroom. Everyone else in the store looks at each other, shrugs, and start walking out of the store. Hamilton turns to Laurens.]

**Hamilton:** Should we do something?

[There’s the sound of a pan hitting someone over the head and then someone screaming. Hamilton and Laurens run into the backroom, and see the cashier tying Jefferson up, who is on the floor. Washington runs in.]

**Washington:** I heard that one of my cabinet members was actin’ a FOOL.

**Hamilton:** Yeah, that would be Jefferson.

**Washington:** Thomas, dafuq are you doing?

**Jefferson:** I JUST WANTED A BISCUIT.

**Washington:** Your money issues and your obsessions with biscuits have spiraled out of control.

**Hamilton:** Not to mention your douchiness.

**Washington:** Not helping, Alexander! Anyway, I have an idea that might help you.

**Laurens:** Making moonshine?

**Washington:** No, that only works if you’re trying to bribe your way into office. Trust me, I would know 1.

**Hamilton:** The more time I spend with everyone in this fanfiction, the more I lose faith in this country2.

**Jefferson:** Hey! I’m the only one who can break the fourth wall!

**Hamilton:** Obviously not, macaroni fucker!

**Washington:** Hey! We do not kinkshame in this cabinet! Now, I saw this great pin on Pinterest on how to deal with your emotions, and they suggested venting to a camera.

**Jefferson:** Wouldn’t it be better to just vent to the wall or a pet or something? Then there wouldn’t be a record of your deepest thoughts and emotions.

**Washington:** No, Thomas, Pinterest is right.

**Hamilton:** I actually think I agree with him.

**Washington:** See, Hamilton thinks it’s a good idea!

**Hamilton:** No, I was agreeing with Jeff-

**Washington:** It’s settled! I’ll get a camera for the next cabinet meeting.

**Laurens:** Don’t you just love the technological advances of the 1780’s?

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

  1. [Washington would know, since he bribed his way into the House of Burgesses with various types of alcohol.](http://www.smithsonianmag.com/arts-culture/swilling-the-planters-with-bumbo-when-booze-bought-elections-102758236/?no-ist=)
  2. Fucking same.




	28. Chapter 28

Scene 28:

[Adams is sitting at the table, writing in his diary.]

**Adams:** Today, when I was walking down the street, someone handed me a penny. I asked them why. They said they figured I need it since it’s not like a have a real job. Someday, the people will appreciate me and all-

[Abigail runs in the room.]

**Abigail:** JOHN! I need to speak with you!

**Adams:** I mean, you already are.

**Abigail:** So, as you know, at Biscuitville they are holding an election to determine the new type of biscuit.

**Adams:** Are you serious-

**Abigail:** DO YOU THINK DEMOCRACY IS A JOKE JOHN? Anyway, as a true American and a die-hard supporter of the Applewood-smoked sausage biscuit, I went today to do my civic duty and vote 1. Imagine my surprise when I got there and was told I could not vote due to my being a woman2.

**Adams:** Oh, boy…

**Abigail:** Now, do you remember that time I wrote you a letter and instructed you to remember the ladies 3?

**Adams:** Abigail, listen, it’s-

**Abigail:** I asked you a question.

**Adams:** [sighs] Yes, I remember.

**Abigail:** THEN WHY CAN I NOT VOTE FOR THE APPLEWOOD-SMOKED SAUSAGE BISCUIT?!

**Adams:** Well, you see-

**Abigail:** No, I’ll tell you what I don’t see. A ballot with a checkmark next to Applewood-smoked sausage biscuit!

**Adams:** I can vote for you, if you want.

**Abigail:** Or both of us can vote!

**Adams:** Um…not really.

**Abigail:** And why is that, pray tell?

**Adams:** Because…. women can’t vote…

**Abigail:** Yeah, because you didn’t remember the ladies!

**Adams:** We all talked in Congress and thought this was best-

**Abigail:** YOU HAD ONE JOB, JOHN.

**Adams:** Actually, I had multiple-

**Abigail:** ONE. FUCKING. JOB.

**Adams:** Well it’s because we all agreed that women can’t be trusted to make rational decisions4!

**Abigail:** [suddenly quiet] Oh, really?

**Adams:** Wait, no, I didn’t mean-

**Abigail:** Well, since I can’t make _rational decisions_ , you should probably sleep on the couch from now on. You know, so I don’t get _irrational_ and slit your throat or something while you sleep. [leaves the room]

**Adams:** [mutters] Applewood-smoked sausage isn’t even that good.

**Abigail:** [off-screen] I HEARD THAT, YOU SON OF A BITCH!

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

  1. Considering how the Adams lived in Massachusetts and Biscuitville is only found in North Carolina and Virginia, she must really be a die-hard supporter.
  2. Women didn’t get the right to vote until [1920](https://www.google.com/#q=when+did+women+get+the+right+to+vote)
  3. [“If perticuliar care and attention is not paid to the Laidies we are determined to foment a Rebelion, and will not hold ourselves bound by any Laws in which we have no voice, or Representation.”](http://www.pbs.org/wgbh/amex/adams/filmmore/ps_ladies.html) True icon
  4. Adams writes a letter to this guy explaining why women shouldn’t vote: “[their delicacy renders them unfit for practice and experience, in the great business of life, and the hardy enterprises of war, as well as the arduous cares of state](https://herb.ashp.cuny.edu/items/show/1646).” Not true icon




	29. Chapter 29

Scene 29:

[It’s nighttime in the Adams’s house. Adams is in his pajamas, plumping up a pillow on the couch. He then crawls under the blanket and stares off into space. There’s the sound of someone going down the stairs. The person walks into the room. It’s Charles, Adams’s son.]

**Charles:** Hey, dad.

**Adams:** [lets out a long sigh] I’m trying to sleep!

**Charles:** I know, I just wanted to say I’m sorry you have to sleep on the couch.

**Adams:** Shut the fuck up, Charles. This is why no one likes you 1.

**Charles:** What did I-

**Adams:** You’re gonna become an alcoholic 2 like your uncle3!

**Charles:** [sighs, resigned] I’m gonna leave now.

**Adams:** About damn time. God, I wish Lafayette was my son. I’m gonna ask Washington if we can trade 4.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

  1. At first Adams was fond of Charles, but as Charles started drinking more and more their relationship deteriorated. [Adams even swore in 1798 that he would never see his son again](http://www.american-presidents.org/2008/04/charles-adams.html).
  2. Charles would end up dying at the age of 30 of liver problems, due to his alcoholism <http://www.american-presidents.org/2008/04/charles-adams.html>
  3. Abigail had a brother who was an alcoholic <https://featherfoster.wordpress.com/2013/09/09/abigail-adams-sorrow-like-uncle-like-nephews/>
  4. Since Charles’ life/relationship with his father is so sad, have [a sweet anecdote](http://www.historynet.com/battle-of-monmouth.htm) about Lafayette and Washington: “Washington walked alone amid the ruins of the battlefield. Beneath an old oak tree he saw Lafayette, in fitful repose without a blanket. Tenderly, Washington knelt beside the young marquis and, drawing his dusty cloak around them both, fell fast asleep.”




	30. Chapter 30

Scene 30:

[There’s shaky camera footage of a sign that says “Cabinet Catharsis”. The scene then takes place in a bathroom stall, switching between everybody with one person on-screen at any time. They cannot hear each other. Jefferson is the first one on-screen.]

**Jefferson:** [fidgeting with his sleeve cuff] I…I don’t know about this.

**Hamilton:** [arms crossed defiantly] This is stupid!

**Washington:** [head bowed solemnly] I’m worried about everyone, you know?

**Lafayette:** [cheerfully] Hola! Je ma’pelle Lafayette 1!

**Adams:** [sighs] I just feel so…unappreciated.

**Jefferson:** Everything happened so quickly…I mean, I was just gonna ask for a free biscuit, and the next thing you know-

**Hamilton:** -That stupid ginger’s my fucking roommate, and I have to-

**Adams:** -Sleep on the couch, because of that damn Applewood-smoked sausage biscuit that-

**Jefferson:** -Looked so good, I had to spend $6,732 for, and now I’m-

**Laurens:** -A fucking ghost, and I don’t think anybody gets it, you know? Because it’s-

**Madison:** -A bump from when I got jumped, Dolley 2 thinks, but I know it’s probably cancer3 and I’m probably gonna die because it’s the 1780’s-

**Washington:** -For God’s sake! Why is it so wrong for me to be a stripper in this day and age? I mean, it’s not like I’m-

**Franklin:** -Bangin’ chicks left and right, see a girl, I fuck her. See another girl, I fuck her. See her sister, I fuck-

**Hamilton:** -Jefferson, okay? Fuck him, and fuck his little midget friend Madison who is such a-

**Madison:** -Scary thing, I hate the dark, they say Slenderman isn’t real, but I know better, and I am-

**Jefferson:** -Forced to live with Damnilton. Get it? It’s my nickname for-

**Adams:** -Years and years of service, and what do I get? Absolutely-

**Franklin:** -Nothing, no quickies, no threesomes, no sixty-nines. It’s completely a-

**Lafayette:** -Merde-show over in my home country4. Wait, no, ah, how do you say-

**Laurens:** -Shit! I’m not even alive, but I can still get arrested 5 if people find out Hammy and I have-

**Washington:** -Sex, sex, sex, that’s all these kids think about. I’m trying to run the country here, and I’m-

**Monroe:** -Not even part of the cabinet, but whatever. I mean, I have problems too, like how-

**Jefferson:** -Much longer can I go on like this?! I’m at the end of-

**Madison:** -My life, Slenderman’s gonna get me. It was nice knowing-

**Hamilton:** -These fuckers who have made my life so much worse-

**Franklin:** -Than a case of the French disease-

**Jefferson:** I WISH I WAS FRENCH! [starts sobbing]

**Madison:** I’m scared of the dark, but it’s the 1780’s so we don’t have nightlights! [starts sobbing]

**Franklin:** I just want to have sex again! [starts sobbing]

**Washington:** Being president is hard, and stripping relieves some of that stress! Does that make me a bad person? [starts sobbing]

**Adams:** Why does no one love me? [starts sobbing]

**Lafayette:** Why do my people want to kill me 6? [starts sobbing]

**Monroe:** How come no one sees past my pretty face? [starts sobbing]

**Hamilton:** I’M NOT HIS SON! I DON’T NEED A FATHER!

[The camera is still rolling as Hamilton picks it up and flings it across the room. The screen goes black.]

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

  1. Even though it’s what Americans call him, Lafayette isn’t really his name, it’s the name of his estate. Marquis de Lafayette is his title, it basically means ‘owner of Lafayette’. It’d be like if we call Jefferson ‘Monticello’ (though to be honest he’d probably prefer that bc he was obsessed with that place)
  2. Dolley is [Dolley Madison](https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Dolley_Madison), Madison’s wife and undisputed queen of the universe.
  3. Madison suffered from [hypochondria](http://www.freedomcircle.com/source/hero-of-the-day/james-madison), and he was so sickly as a child that everyone- including him- [was convinced he would die young.](http://www.healthguidance.org/entry/8905/1/The-Health-Of-The-President-James-Madison.html)
  4. I honestly don’t know a lot about the French Revolution, but I know that it was not exactly a peaceful era.
  5. Homosexuality was illegal in the colonies back then, and it [was often punishable by death](https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/LGBT_history#18th_and_19th_century). (Luckily for Hamilton and Laurens, Washington didn’t seem to care)
  6. Lafayette [didn’t do so well](https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Gilbert_du_Motier,_Marquis_de_Lafayette#French_Revolution) during the French Revolution. He was arrested and put in solitary confinement for a year and even burned in effigy.




	31. Chapter 31

Scene 31:

[Lafayette, Hamilton, Jefferson, and Madison are sitting at the cabinet table. Their eyes are red. Washington walks in, his eyes also red.]

**Washington:** Well, did that help everyone?

**Madison:** [sniffs] It helped me realize that I do _not_ have cancer.

**Washington:** Good!

**Madison:** …But I _do_ probably have the plague.

**Washington:** Oh. Um, congratulations. Now, uh, out of sheer curiosity, hypothetically, did anyone, I don’t know, break down crying during the catharsis?

**Jefferson:** [quickly] No!

**Madison:** Yeah, me neither!

**Lafayette:** Oui oui, yo tampoco!

**Hamilton:** I’M NOT YOUR SON! [runs out of the room]

**Washington:** Glad to see this turned out so well!


	32. Chapter 32

Scene 32:

[Jefferson and Madison are walking down the road in winter wear. They are both holding a roll of toilet paper1.]

**Jefferson:** I heard that at this meeting, we’re gonna be planning the Christmas celebration!

**Madison:** Is that why Washington told us to bring a roll of toilet paper?

**Jefferson:** No, that’s because yesterday when Hamilton got all upset and ran to the bathroom, he flushed all the toilet paper down the toilet. So now it’s B.Y.O.T.P. But on the bright side, now he’s in worse graces with Washington than I am!

**Madison:** [jokingly] Well, you’d better go rob Biscuitville again!

[Madison and Jefferson laugh heartily at his joke.]

**Jefferson:** [to the audience] Yes…joke…

[They reach the cabinet building, where Monroe is stringing lights around the Cabinet Wood sign.]

**Monroe:** Hey guys, didja hear? We’re gonna have a Santa’s workshop next week! Washington gave us all parts. He posted the list on the door to the meeting room.

**Madison:** Cool! What part did you get?

**Monroe:** I’m the head elf!

**Jefferson:** I wish I had your job!

[A ba-dum-tiss sound is heard for the sexual innuendo. Madison and Jefferson go inside and see Lafayette.]

**Lafayette:** Mon amies! Have you come to see your parts?

**Jefferson:** Well, we didn’t come to see _your_ parts! [another ba-dum-tiss sound] But yes, we’re looking for the sheet.

**Lafayette:** Look no further! [points to a sheet of paper taped to the door] I got cast as Jacques Frost!

[Madison looks at the sheet.]

**Madison:** I’m an elf!

**Jefferson:** Can’t imagine why. [looks at the sheet as Washington walks up] I’m motherfucking Rudolph!

**Washington:** I though the red nose would go well with your hair.

**Madison:** But…he shaved his head…

**Washington:** I was referring to the carpet, not the drapes.

**Jefferson:** Are people gonna see that?!

**Madison:** Mr. President, we _cannot_ have another incident like last year-

**Washington:** No one’s gonna see your ginger crotch! I just thought it was a sign that you should play Rudolph.

**Jefferson:** Okay…who are you?

**Washington:** Mrs. Claus. It was either me or Ben, and he can’t fit in the costume, so he’s Frosty.

**Jefferson:** Couldn’t, like, your wife or someone be Mrs. Claus?

**Washington:** I asked her, but she said after last year, she would never be a part of our Christmas celebration again.

**Madison:** Yeah…I hear that dog is in therapy now…

**Jefferson:** Wait, if you’re Mrs. Claus, then who’s Mr. Claus?

**Washington:** Well…

**Hamilton:** [off-screen] MOTHERFUCKER!

[Hamilton storms into the room, wearing a Santa costume.]

**Jefferson:** …Is this real. [grabs Madison’s arm] Jemmy, is this real?!

**Madison:** It would appear so.

**Hamilton:** No, no it is not real! Why the fuck am _I_ playing Santa?!

**Washington:** I thought that if you played a loving, jolly fellow, it might inspire you to get rid of some of your anger.

**Hamilton:** WHAT FUCKING ANGER? And I am NOT playing Santa!

**Jefferson:** I don’t know, I think that belly looks good on you.

**Hamilton:** SHUT THE FUCK UP, ASSHAT.

**Washington:** [sternly] Alexander, you’ll play Santa, or else you’re out of the cabinet.

**Hamilton:** WHAT?!

**Jefferson:** GOD IS GOOD! [falls to his knees and folds his hands] Thank you, Lord! Jesus, you are so good to me! Thank you, thank you, thank you!

**Madison:** I thought you weren’t Christian 2.

**Jefferson:** I am when it benefits me 3. [stands up] Washington, you have given me the greatest gift ever-

**Washington:** The knowledge of the love of our Savior, Jesus Christ 4?

**Jefferson:** No, I’ve already stopped with that Christian nonsense. No, since Hamilton has to either pretend to be a fat old guy for a bunch of kids or leave his job in disgrace, you’ve given the gift of Hamilton’s humiliation. And for that, I thank you.

[Jefferson grabs Washington’s head, kisses him, and skips away merrily, laughing uncontrollably.]

**Washington:** Is our Rudolph on drugs? Because I already had to put up with that last year.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

  1. Back then, they didn’t have the rolls of toilet paper we used today. [They would’ve used rags or paper money.](http://encyclopedia.toiletpaperworld.com/toilet-paper-history/complete-historical-timeline)
  2. Jefferson was…kinda Christian? [He was raised one](https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Religious_views_of_Thomas_Jefferson#Church_attendance), but [he didn’t believe](https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Religious_views_of_Thomas_Jefferson#Jefferson.2C_Jesus.2C_and_the_Bible) in most of the New Testament, but he said “[I am a Christian, in the only sense in which he wished any one to be; sincerely attached to his doctrines](https://www.monticello.org/site/research-and-collections/jeffersons-religious-beliefs)”, so who knows. Most historians consider him to be a [Deist](https://www.gilderlehrman.org/history-by-era/age-jefferson-and-madisonreligion/essays/thomas-jefferson-and-deism) or a [Unitarian.](https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Religious_views_of_Thomas_Jefferson#Priestley_and_Unitarianism) Personally, I think he just enjoyed being a walking contradiction.
  3. Jefferson made this thing called the “[Jefferson Bible](https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Jefferson_Bible)”, where he basically took the parts of the Bible he disagreed with and cut them out. Like…wow. (Though, to be fair, now that I think about it that’s kinda what a lot of Christians today do. Just edit the Bible how they want and take things out of context. Jefferson just did it before it was cool.)
  4. Washington’s beliefs are about as hazy as Jefferson’s. His pastor said "I never knew so constant an attendant in church as Washington.", yet Washington’s daily records show he did not regularly go to church. Hamilton said that Washington’s “most constant habit” was doing his morning prayers, yet Jefferson says that Gouverneur Morris (yes that’s his real name) claimed Washington didn’t believe in Christianity. So who knows. Washington himself probably didn’t even know what his religion was.




	33. Chapter 33

Scene 33:

[Laurens is sitting on the couch, reading a book entitled “Acting Heterosexual for Dummies”. There’s a knock on the door. Laurens gets up and opens it, revealing Washington.]

**Washington:** Ah, John! I was looking for you. I’ve cast you in our Santa’s workshop as the ghosts of Christmas past, present, and future.

**Laurens:** Oh, I see. Haha. Cast the dead guy as the ghosts. Real funny.

**Washington:** No, I cast you as them because I feel that you are the most versatile actor out of everyone 1, and I think you can handle 3 roles.

**Laurens:** Oh, thanks!

**Washington:** Now, I came here because I’m looking for Alex. He seemed very angry about being Santa, and I was worried he might do something destructive.

**Laurens:** Did you check the bathrooms in the cabinet building?

**Washington:** Yes, and they weren’t totally trashed, so I know he wasn’t there.

**Laurens:** Hmm…I’m trying to think…Wait, I think I remember him saying something about wanting a biscuit. [gasps] Do you think he’s gonna try to rob Biscuitville?

**Washington:** If he do, that boi bouta get a WHUPPIN’!

[Washington runs out.]

**Laurens:** He already had a whuppin’ last night! [looks over at the “Acting Heterosexual for Dummies” book] Man, I should really finish that book.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

  1. Thinking about it now, I feel that out of all the characters, Franklin would be the most versatile actor. Laurens, Hamilton, and Lafayette would be too emotional, Washington, Jefferson, and Madison would be too unemotional, and Adams is so Puritanical and anti-fun he’d probably say theater is a sin and try to get it outlawed.




	34. Chapter 34

Scene 34:

[Adams is walking down the street in his winter wear, coughing.]

**Adams:** [in a raspy voice] I sure hope my sore throat goes away soon!

[Suddenly, there is a scream. Adams turns to find an old lady and a man who is trying to grab her purse.]

**Old Lady:** Help! Help! I was just trying to get to the strip club for my shift, and this ruffian came up!

**Ruffian:** Shut up, geezer, and give me your purse!

**Adams:** [in a raspy voice] Stop right there!

**Ruffian:** Who the fuck are you, Christian Bale? [pauses] Holy shit, are you Batman?!

**Adams:** [in a raspy voice] No, I’m the vice- [starts having a coughing fit before he can say “president”]

**Ruffian:** “The Vice”? Damn, that’s a badass superhero name. I’d better get out of here!  
[The ruffian runs away.]

**Old Lady:** Thank you, Mr. Vice! How can I ever repay you?

**Adams:** [in a raspy voice] No need to, I’m-

**Old Lady:** I know! I can give you a free lap dance!

**Adams:** [in a raspy voice] Um, I have to go, um, stop crime elsewhere. Right now.

[Adams runs away.]

**Old Lady:** I’m glad to see there’s _someone_ who’s doing something for the city. Lord knows John Adams doesn’t do anything.


	35. Chapter 35

Scene 35:

[Jefferson and Hamilton are sitting at a table in Biscuitville, biscuits in front of them.]

**Jefferson:** So, Damnilton, what are you after?

**Hamilton:** [innocently] What do you mean?

**Jefferson:** Bitch. You offered to take me to Biscuitville and buy me a biscuit. You obviously have an ulterior motive.

**Hamilton:** What, can’t I just enjoy a biscuit with my good friend, Thom- [chokes] Sorry, I threw up in my mouth a little. I can’t even pretend to like you 1.

**Jefferson:** As I thought. So what do you want?

**Hamilton:** Well, as you know, you are surprisingly popular with people 2. Despite being a monumental dick.

**Jefferson:** It takes one to know one. Carry on.

**Hamilton:** I want you to tell me what you do to make people overlook your douchiness. Because that’s a useful skill.

**Jefferson:** I don’t talk for every second of my waking hours, that’s part of it 3.

**Hamilton:** Neither do I, that’s fucking impossible.

**Jefferson:** What I’m _saying_ is that maybe you’d be more likeable if you’d shut the fuck up every once in a while.

**Hamilton:** …Again, that’s fucking impossible.

**Jefferson:** [sighs] Well, I don’t know. I’m good at writing, people like that 4.

**Hamilton:** So am I! I wrote 51 of the Federalist Papers 5 and Washington still doesn’t- [stops abruptly]

**Jefferson:** O.M.G. This is about Washington, isn’t it? You’re upset because he doesn’t call you son anymore.

**Hamilton:** I’M NOT HIS FUCKING SON!

**Jefferson:** But you wish you were, and so you’re asking me how to get him to like you again.

**Hamilton:** You know what, shut the fuck up, okay? You’re full of shit. And I’m going to take my biscuit back, because you don’t deserve one. [reaches for the biscuit in front of Jefferson]

**Jefferson:** HELL NO, BITCH!

[Jefferson grabs the biscuit. They play tug of war over it. Then Hamilton yanks so hard Jefferson tumbles over the table, knocking both of them to the floor. They continue scuffling on the floor.]

**Hamilton:** Leggo of it!

**Jefferson:** No! It’s _my_ biscuit!

**Hamilton:** I paid for it! It’s mine!

**Jefferson:** [high-pitched 6 screech] It’s MINE!

[With a shriek, Jefferson starts clawing at Hamilton’s face. Hamilton tries to swat his hands away and starts spitting in his face. Meanwhile, the other people in the restaurant are staring at them in shock and disgust. Washington runs into the restaurant.]

**Washington:** [exasperated] Can’t you two go one damn day without an incident?!

[Hamilton and Jefferson both pause and look at Washington, who’s glaring at them with his arms crossed. Jefferson sits up.]

**Jefferson:** Sir, I know this looks bad. Let me just say…It’s all Hamilton’s fault!

**Hamilton:** Bitch, the fuck did you say?!

**Washington:** Stop it! Both of y’all 7 are fixin’ to get a beatin’! Now, come on!

[Washington grabs them by the collar and drags them outside. He lets go of them and waggles a finger in their faces.]

**Washington:** I am sick and tired of you 2 being at each other’s necks. And at Christmastime, too! Have you no shame?

**Jefferson:** Douchiness takes no holidays, sir.

**Washington:** Duly noted. Now, what will it take for you 2 to stop acting like a pair of fools?

**Jefferson:** If I had some blond hair, I’d behave a lot better.

**Hamilton:** Yeah, and if I didn’t have to live with him, I’d act better, too.

[Washington pauses, thinking.]

**Washington:** Okay, if both of you can get through this week, without fighting each other- _including at Santa’s workshop_ \- then I’ll consider it.

**Jefferson:** It’s a deal!

[Washington walks away. Jefferson turns to Hamilton.]

**Jefferson:** Well, this should be easy!

**Hamilton:** Easy?! We can’t fight for a whole week!

**Jefferson:** Yeah, but we’ll probably be so busy getting ready for the workshop that we won’t have time to fight.

**Hamilton:** But we might fight _at_ the workshop!

**Jefferson:** [shrugs] We didn’t last year.

**Hamilton:** That’s because I was passed out drunk in the first 10 minutes.

**Jefferson:** Consider yourself lucky, it was all downhill from there. It took me 3 hours to clean up all the hair afterwards.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

  1. I just found out that Hamilton and Jefferson actually didn’t always hate each other, and Jefferson [even invited him over for dinner](http://time.com/4210440/jefferson-hamilton-excerpt/). Everything I know is a lie.
  2. Jefferson was pretty popular in his time, [Abigail Adams said](http://tjrs.monticello.org/letter/1617) “I shall realy regreet to leave Mr. Jefferson, he is one of the choice ones of the Earth” and I trust her judgement.
  3. Jefferson was a [terrible public speaker](https://www.monticello.org/site/research-and-collections/public-speaking) and started the tradition of just giving Congress a copy of [the State of the Union address](https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Presidency_of_Thomas_Jefferson#Speeches) instead of reading it out loud since he hated giving speeches.
  4. Boi read his “[head and heart letter](https://founders.archives.gov/documents/Jefferson/01-10-02-0309)” I tell you what it changed me as a person. He wrote this letter to Maria Cosway that was over 4,000 words WITH HIS NON-DOMINANT HAND (since his dumb ass broke his right wrist lololol) need me a freak like that.
  5. [HAMILTON WROTE THE OTHER FIFTY-ONE!](https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/The_Federalist_Papers#Authorship)
  6. Apparently [his voice was already high-pitched](http://answergirlnet.blogspot.com/2007/03/what-accent-did-thomas-jefferson-have.html) (and he had a bit of a Scottish accent so now I’m imagining him as fucking Shrek) (get outta mah swamp Hamilton)
  7. They didn’t have the same Southern accent we do today, but back then [Virginians usually had a kind of drawl](https://scratchofthequill.wordpress.com/2016/05/28/what-did-george-washingtons-voice-sound-like/)




	36. Chapter 36

Scene 36:

[Madison and Jefferson walk up to the cabinet building. Madison is dressed as an elf, but the costume is a bit big on him. Jefferson is on all fours, dressed as Rudolph.]

**Jefferson:** Now I know how it feels to be as short as you, Jemmy!

[Lafayette opens the door to the building, dressed as however the fuck Jacques Frost is supposed to be dressed like1.]

**Lafayette:** Hola, James! And- ahhh!

**Jefferson:** [startled] What?! What is it?

**Lafayette:** [relieved] Oh, Thomas, it’s you, Dieu merci! For a second I thought it was a, how do you say, furry 2!

**Jefferson:** Don’t worry, _this_ year Washington has a strict “no furry” policy. [points to a sign by the door that says “Furries Prohibited!”]

**Lafayette:** “This year”? Did something happen last year?

[Madison sighs for a good 10 seconds.]

**Madison:** You could say that.

**Jefferson:** Let’s go inside, I need a drink after thinking about last year.

**Lafayette:** Oui! Right this way!

[Lafayette, Madison, and Jefferson walk inside and go down the hall to the main room. The room is covered in fake snow, and wreaths adorn the walls. At the center of the room is a giant Christmas tree with a cozy armchair at its base. Washington walks up to them, dressed as Mrs. Claus. He is carrying a tray.]

**Washington:** Cookies?

**Jefferson:** I think I might need something a bit stronger.

**Washington:** Of course. Head elf!

[Monroe comes over dressed as an elf, carrying a tray that has shots of whiskey on it.]

**Jefferson:** That’s what I’m talkin’ ‘bout!

[Jefferson takes a shot of Madison turns to Washington.]

**Madison:** So, where’s our Santa?

**Washington:** He’s still in the other room. He said he needed some time to mentally prepare.

**Jefferson:** He needs to stop being such a wuss about this and just deal with it. [takes another shot] I swear, some people have really unhealthy coping habits. [takes another shot]

**Madison:** Thomas, I’m not sure you should-

**Jefferson:** Hold that thought. [takes another shot] You were saying?

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

  1. Okay I thought Jacques Frost was a French legend [but it’s really Scandinavian](http://festivals.iloveindia.com/christmas/characters/jack-frost.html). Then again ‘hola’ isn’t French either, so I’m just gonna act like I purposely picked a non-French story to be funny.
  2. Real talk which founding father do you think is most likely to be a furry? I wanna say Franklin because he probably had, like, every single kink, but I can also see it being John Adams dirty little secret.




	37. Chapter 37

Scene 37:

[Hamilton stands in front of a mirror dressed as Santa. Laurens is next to him, wearing a sign that says “Past”.]

**Hamilton:** I look fucking ridiculous.

**Laurens:** I think you look adorable.

**Hamilton:** Love is blind, Laurens, and I think you are too. [adjusts his beard] How the fuck am I gonna get through this night without yelling at one of these rugrats?

**Laurens:** If you get angry, just yell “Ho ho ho” really loud. That way you’ll stay in character.

**Hamilton:** Do you think punching Rudolph in his ginger face would be staying in character?

**Laurens:** If it makes you feel better, Washington said we’re gonna be doing Secret Santa at the next cabinet meeting.

**Hamilton:** Did he see that on Pinterest?

**Laurens:** No, it was actually Lafayette’s idea.

**Hamilton:** Oh, you mean his _son_?

**Laurens:** Fuck, I shouldn’t have said that.

**Hamilton:** NO, IT’S FINE. I’M FINE. I HAVE TO USE THE BATHROOM NOW.

[Hamilton stalks out of the room. A few moments later, there’s the sound of someone screeching and porcelain shattering.]

**Laurens:** Fuck, there goes one of the toilets.


	38. Chapter 38

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Since I don't want this story to get too long but I still have a lot more ideas, I'm gonna have two more scenes after this to wrap this plot up some, and then start a sequel. Yay for more founding father tomfoolery!

Scene 38:

[A line of kids and parents stand in front of the armchair in the main room. Franklin is next to the armchair, making balloon animals to entertain them.]

**Franklin:** And…almost done… here we are! It’s an elephant trunk and elephant eyes! [holds up a balloon that looks like this: C======8] Here you go, little boy. [hands the penis-looking balloon to a small child.]

[Washington, Madison, Jefferson, Monroe, Lafayette, and Laurens are in a huddle off to the side.]

**Washington:** I don’t know how much longer Franklin can keep them distracted, we only had a few balloons.

**Franklin:** [to the line of people] Looks like I’m out of balloons, so do you kids want to hear some jokes? [the kids cheer in response]

**Madison:** Oh, good Lord.

**Laurens:** Well, after Alex destroyed the toilet, he said he was thirsty, so I think he went to the kitchen to get a drink.

**Washington:** We don’t have a lot of water bottles. I hope he only got one, lest we run out.

**Franklin:** [to the line of people] What’s worse than getting your prostate examined? Getting your prostate examined and hearing your doctor unzip his pants! Trust me, I would know…

**Jefferson:** Uh, maybe we should go find Hamilton. Like, right now.

**Washington:** Yeah, let’s-

[The door to the kitchen slams open and Hamilton staggers out, hiccupping.]

**Hamilton:** HO HO HO, IT’S SANTA FREAKING CLAUS, BOYS AND GIRLS!

[Hamilton stumbles and almost falls, but he catches himself.]

**Monroe:** Well, I don’t think you have to worry about him drinking all the _water_ 1.

**Hamilton:** [to the line of people] All right, let’s get this over with. [plops down in the armchair] Which one of you accidents are first?

**Washington:** I’m glad to see that Alex has finally accepted his role!

**Madison:** …He called them accidents!

**Washington:** I mean, he’s not lying. We all know Santa can’t lie. Remember that story where he cut down a cherry tree and his dad asked if he did it and he said “I cannot tell a lie”.

**Jefferson:** …That story is about _you_.

**Washington:** Dafuq? That’s total bullshit 2. I’ve never even seen a cherry tree!

**Hamilton:** [to a girl on his lap] So, little girl, what do you want for Christmas?

**Little Girl:** A little sister!

**Hamilton:** Then Santa’s gonna need your mother! Heh, heh, heh…

[The girl’s mother grabs her arm and starts leading her away.]

**Hamilton:** [calling to the mother] This’ll be done by midnight, come back then! [to the line of people] Okay, who’s next?

**Monroe:** Damn, Laurens, your boyfriend is a slut.

**Laurens:** [sighs] Believe me, I know.

[Washington, Madison, Jefferson, Monroe, Laurens, and Lafayette start walking around the room, interacting with the kids. Snippets of their conversations are heard.]

**Washington:** -And that’s how to make the best moonshine!

**Child 1:** What do you use moonshine for?

**Washington:** To get into office, of course!

* * *

**Jefferson:** -So there we are, in her bedroom, and suddenly her husband comes in 3! But here’s the chaser: he had brought someone home, too4!

* * *

**Child 2:** Why are you so short?

**Madison:** It’s because, as a child, I was so stressed that it stunted my growth 5.

**Child 3:** Why is your hairline so pointy?

**Madison:** It’s because the stress caused my hair to fall out, so I combed it into a widow’s peak 6.

**Child 4:** Why are these cookies so good?

**Madison:** It’s because I made them! The secret ingredient is worry.

* * *

**Monroe:** I only use brushes imported from France for my hair. I find the brushes in this country are far too inadequate.

**Child 5:** Wow, you’re a pretentious dick, aren’t you?

**Monroe:** [shocked] Where did you learn those words?!

**Child 5:** Santa. [points to Hamilton]

**Monroe:** Of course.

* * *

**Hamilton:** A pearl necklace? In _this_ economy? God, you kids are stupid, aren’t you? [the girl on his lap starts crying] Well, it’s not my fault you don’t understand money. Next!

[A little boy runs up and climbs onto Hamilton’s lap.]

**Little Boy:** I want a pet bear, Santa!

**Hamilton:** Oh, sure, so you can get your fucking throat ripped out. Next year, your mom is gonna be asking Santa for a funeral shroud for her deadass son. Next!

* * *

**Franklin:** So he says, “Franklin, why do you have a suppository in your ear?” And I say, “Well, I think I know where my hearing aid is!”

* * *

[Jefferson takes a shot and then falls onto Lafayette, sobbing.]

**Jefferson:** Lafayette, you’re everything I want to be: French!

**Lafayette:** [clutching onto Jefferson] Mon amie, you’re everything _I_ want to be: American 7! [starts sobbing as well]

* * *

**Child 6:** Why are you dressed as a woman?

**Washington:** Because _someone_ had to step up to the plate, and apparently I’m the only one who can!

**Child 6:** …Okay…

**Washington:** I was retired, you know. Then they needed a leader for the Continental Army, so they asked me 8.

**Child 6:** [slowly backing away] Right…

**Washington:** Then I wanted to go back home, but no! I had to lead the country 9!

**Child 6:** [still backing away] Uh-huh… [turns and runs away]

**Washington:** Good thing I have people like my son to help me!

[Washington hugs Lafayette, who is still sobbing with/on Jefferson. At the word “son” Hamilton’s head snaps up. His lips press together into a thin line and he starts breathing heavy.]

**Laurens:** Oh, no.

**Monroe:** Oh, no.

**Franklin:** Oh, no.

**Madison:** HE’S GONNA BLOW! [dives onto the ground and covers his head]

**Hamilton:** I’M…NOT…YOUR…SON! [grabs a bottle and throws it to the ground, shattering it. Children scream and flee in terror.] I DON’T NEED A FATHER! [gets up and knocks the armchair over, then falls to his knees and tears open his Santa coat]

**Franklin:** Children, come to the hallway! It’s safer there!

[Franklin and Monroe begin herding children out the door into the hallway while Hamilton grabs ornaments off the tree, throwing them to the ground. Washington, Lafayette, and Washington finally look up and realize what is happening.]

**Washington:** Alexander! Stop this right now!

**Lafayette:** Sacre blue, Alex, no!

**Jefferson:** LMFAOOOOO! This is even better than I expected! [starts dancing around Madison, who is curled up in the fetal position on the floor]

**Hamilton:** FUCK…YOU…JEFFERSON!

[Hamilton grabs a stack of cookies and starts throwing them. They stick into the wall like fucking ninja stars. Suddenly, the door to the kitchen flies open.]

**Voice:** HO, HO, HO! Merry Christmas!

**Jefferson:** [stops dancing] Who the fuck is this?

[The person comes into the room, dressed as Santa Claus. Everyone gasps.]

**Everyone:** Baron von Steuben 10?!

**Steuben:** Nein! Ich bin Santa Claus!

[The children cheer and run back into the room. Steuben sets the armchair right up and sits in it. A greyhound11 trots out of the kitchen, wearing reindeer antlers.]

**Steuben:** This is Azor, my helper 12!

**Jefferson:** [squeals] Woof woof! [runs over and starts petting Azor]

**Laurens:** Wait, I thought you hated dogs.

**Jefferson:** No, that doesn’t come til later in my life. Right now I love them 13.

[The children get back in a line and start telling Steuben what they want for Christmas. Hamilton is passed out in the corner. Madison, realizing the danger has passed, lifts his head cautiously. Azor trots over and licks his face, causing Madison to let out a “meep” and lower his head again.]

**Washington:** Well, all’s well that ends well!

**Jefferson:** Yeah, especially since Hamilton’s gonna get in serious trouble!

**Washington:** What do you mean?

**Jefferson:** [flabbergasted] Did you not just see his reign of terror?!

**Lafayette:** TRIGGERED! [falls to the ground and curls up into a ball next to Madison]

**Monroe:** 3 people on the floor, totally out of it. Still way better than last year.

**Washington:** Yes, Thomas, I saw everything.

**Jefferson:** [indignantly] So are you going to punish him?!

**Washington:** Why would I? He didn’t get in a fight with you, that’s all I asked. Frankly, this went better than I expected.

**Jefferson:** Okay. Yep. I-I’m just gonna lie down, too. [lays down next to Madison and Lafayette]

**Monroe:** STILL BETTER THAN LAST YEAR!

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

  1. Considering how most of the water back then was polluted and unhealthy and how pretty much [everyone drank alcohol](http://www.history.org/foundation/journal/holiday07/drink.cfm) throughout the whole day, Hamilton probably would’ve hit the bottle in this situation.
  2. Yeah they just [made the cherry tree story up](http://www.mountvernon.org/digital-encyclopedia/article/cherry-tree-myth/) to inspire children to be honest…and not make up stories. The irony.
  3. When Jefferson was in France, he had a sorta-affair with [Maria Cosway](https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Maria_Cosway) (it was never proven that they did the do, but, like. I’d totally do her. And Jefferson wrote her the 4,000 word letter so you know he was at least a little bit thirsty.) Unfortunately, she was kinda [married](https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Richard_Cosway) at the time.
  4. Of course, her husband [had cheated on her multiple times](http://mikerendell.com/maria-cosway-nee-hadfield-1759-1838-painter-socialite-and-a-real-looker/) before, so I’ll give her a pass.
  5. There’s no evidence for this but honestly I think it’s a plausible explanation.
  6. [He started losing his hair](http://knee-breeches.tumblr.com/post/143390960609/e-pluribusunum-why-was-james-madisons-widows) really young, probably from stress, so he combed it into a widow’s peak to try and hide it.
  7. [Lafayette](http://www.ushistory.org/valleyforge/served/lafayette.html) was about as obsessed with America as Jefferson was with France. He was a member of French royalty who, when he heard about the American Revolution, disobeyed the king’s orders and snuck out of France to sail to America to serve in the army as a volunteer just because he loved the idea of America so much.
  8. Washington tried to be like “oh everyone else thought I should lead the army, it wasn’t my idea” and I’m like, [you wore your uniform to the Continental Congress](https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/George_Washington_in_the_American_Revolution) so everyone would remember you fought in the French and Indian War. You wanted to lead the army.
  9. [He retired 3 times](http://gwpapers.virginia.edu/history/articles/george-washington-in-retirement/) and after his second term some people (@Hamilton) tried to convince him to serve another term and I can just see him being like “I can’t hear you over the sound of my horse galloping away.”
  10. [Baron von Steuben](https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Friedrich_Wilhelm_von_Steuben) was a Prussian officer who saved the army’s ass at Valley Forge, is considered [the father of the U.S. military](https://www.google.com/#q=father+of+the+us+military), and everything he has ever done in his entire life has been iconic.
  11. Steuben [had an Italian greyhound](http://www.mountvernon.org/digital-encyclopedia/article/baron-von-steuben/) who he brought to Valley Forge with him and according to Steuben’s secretary (aka lover[) Pierre Du Ponceau](https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Peter_Stephen_Du_Ponceau) “[bad singing set him howling and barking, while he listened to apparent pleasure to a good song](https://books.google.com/books?id=XyB_tuMV7YMC&pg=PA56&lpg=PA56&dq=baron+von+steuben+dog+pierre+duponceau&source=bl&ots=chqQfBfit8&sig=4hUiVmWABMAgA3VSv7QlmYqOZdE&hl=en&sa=X&ved=0ahUKEwiE6YrxnJHSAhUERSYKHZWkBEoQ6AEIQDAG#v=onepage&q=baron%20von%20steuben%20dog%20pierre%20duponceau&f=false).” See even his dog is more iconic than most people I know.
  12. It’s funny because Azor means ‘[helper](http://www.biblical-baby-names.com/meaning-of-azor.html)’
  13. So when he was younger Jefferson didn’t like dogs but then when he went to France this guy told him about how great dogs were, [so Jefferson got a Briard sheepdog](http://americacomesalive.com/2015/07/15/thomas-jeffersons-dogs/) and brought it back to America and started breeding them, but then in 1811 he literally said in a letter “[I participate in all your hostility to dogs, and would readily join in any plan for exterminating the whole race](https://www.monticello.org/site/research-and-collections/letter-hostility-to-dogs)”, even though he was still breeding them. Like. Does a day go by where he doesn’t contradict himself? Trying to keep up with this man makes me tired.




	39. Chapter 39

Scene 39:

[The last of the children walk out of the room, smiles on their faces. Washington walks up to Steuben.]

**Washington:** Thank you so much for saving this workshop.

**Steuben:** Bitte! I’m used to saving you colonists from your shitshows 1.

**Franklin:** Why did you come in through the backdoor, though?

**Steuben:** I always come in the backdoor 2!

[Everyone laughs heartily.]

**Steuben:** Yeah…that’s why I almost got arrested…twice 3. I almost got arrested today, since I was wearing a red coat, and so the people at the dock thought I was a British soldier.

**Washington:** Didn’t that happen last time you came to America?

**Steuben:** Yeah 4…

[Hamilton wakes up and sees Steuben.]

**Hamilton:** Son of a bitch, are we being invaded by the Germans?

**Steuben:** Nah, this isn’t Poland.

**Hamilton:** Oh, good. [to Washington] So am I... like, y’know…fired?

**Washington:** You should be!

**Hamilton:** [sadly] Yeah. Yeah, I know.

**Washington:** Fired up over Secret Santa!

[A cheer comes from Madison, Jefferson, and Lafayette, who are still on the floor. Hamilton looks over at them, taken aback.]

**Hamilton:** Why the fuck are they on the floor? You know what, I don’t even care. I’m going back to sleep.

**Steuben:** [stands up] Well, I’m going to go find a place to stay. Guten nacht!

**Franklin:** Bless you!

**Steuben:** That wasn’t- whatever. Azor, Kommen Sie hier! [Azor walks over to him]

**Madison:** Bye, Santa!

**Jefferson:** Bye, woof woof!

[Steuben and Azor leave.]

**Washington:** All right, looks like we’re gonna have to clean this place up.

**Laurens:** What are we gonna do about the cookies that are kinda, you know, _stuck in the fucking wall_?

**Monroe:** Yeah, how the fuck is that even physically possible?

**Washington:** I don’t know, Madison made them.

**Madison:** Special recipe!

**Franklin:** That’s…kinda worrisome.

**Madison:** Yeah, that’s the secret ingredient!

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

  1. I highly doubt the Continental Army would’ve survived without Steuben. And if you think I’m exaggerating, then you should know that one of his amazing and revolutionary ideas [was to put the latrines and the kitchen on opposite sides of the camp](http://www.ushistory.org/valleyforge/served/steuben.html). The idea had never occurred to the soldiers at Valley Forge that maybe they shouldn’t have their kitchen right next to the place where they shit. Hell, they didn’t even _have_ latrines before Steuben, they just kinda went wherever. Like. How. How did we win.
  2. [There](http://www.homohistory.com/2014/05/friedrich-wilhelm-von-steuben-gay_24.html) [is a](http://gayhistoryproject.epgn.com/historical-profiles/baron-von-steuben-dont-ask-dont-tell-franklin-washington-france-u-s/) [slight](http://www.markcarlson-ghost.com/index.php/2016/08/26/baron-von-steuben-washingtons-queer-general-and-friend/) [possibility](http://historycollection.co/dont-ask-dont-tell-4-things-to-know-about-baron-von-steuben/3/) [that](https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Friedrich_Wilhelm_von_Steuben#Death) [Steuben](http://www.huffingtonpost.com/nicholas-sheppard/the-gay-man-who-saved-the_b_7838506.html) [might’ve](https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Benjamin_Walker_\(New_York\)) [been](http://bilerico.lgbtqnation.com/2012/10/baron_von_steuben_washingtons_dont_ask_dont_tell_c.php) [gay](http://www.bergencountyhistory.org/Pages/gnsteuben.html). (jk there’s no “might’ve”, he definitely was.) (also that last article is really long but really good, it mentions Lams and says Franklin had a “free-wheeling approach to sex” and low-key implies that Steuben had a thing with Frederick the Great’s younger brother, Henry.) Sometimes I think about how the father of the U.S. military was a gay immigrant and it…it gives me life.
  3. [He got kicked out of Prussia](http://www.epgn.com/columns/139-uncategorized/6453-23756797-lgbt-history-month-baron-von-steuben) for being gay, so he went to Paris. Which he was then also kicked out of.
  4. “[They arrived in Portsmouth on December 1, 1777, where they were almost arrested for being British because the Baron had mistakenly outfitted them in red uniforms](https://www.nps.gov/vafo/learn/historyculture/vonsteuben.htm).” When your outfit is so damn stylish it’s a crime




	40. Chapter 40

Scene 40:

[Washington, Madison, Jefferson, Hamilton, Laurens, and Lafayette are sitting at a table at Jefferson’s kitchen table. They are all wearing Santa hats and there’s a stack of presents on the table.]

**Washington:** The cabinet’s first annual Secret Santa has now begun! [everyone cheers] James, why don’t you start?

**Madison:** My person was you, Mr. President! [hands a box to Washington, who opens it]

**Washington:** Glass bottles for my moonshine! Excellent, I was running low! Thank you, James. Okay, Alex, your turn.

**Hamilton:** My person was Lafayette. [hands Lafayette a wrapped frame, who opens it] It’s a painting of a cheeseburger wearing cowboy boots who’s drinking PBR at a baseball game with a gun in the seat next to him. It’s the most American thing possible!

**Lafayette:** Oh, it’s beautiful! [hugs the frame] I will hang it up in my house right away!

**Washington:** John, your turn!

**Laurens:** Here ya go, Madison. [hands Madison a box]

**Madison:** [opening the box] IT’S A DEAD WEASEL! Just what I wanted!

**Jefferson:** Wut.

**Madison:** Now I can take it apart and examine its skeleton1!

**Washington:** Well, I guess the important thing is that you’re happy.

**Laurens:** I also gave you some hand sanitizer, to use after you examine it. You know, so you don’t get sick.

**Madison:** AHHH! [squeals with joy]

[Sally walks into the room.]

**Sally:** The fuck is all this screaming?

**Jefferson:** We’re giving each other presents!

**Sally:** Yeah? Well, my present to you is the promise of another year of uncomplaining service.

**Jefferson:** But you complain all the time.

**Sally:** And you said you supported abolition, so I guess we’re both liars 2. [walks out of the room]

**Washington:** Thomas, why don’t you go next?

**Jefferson:** Aight. My person was Laurens. [hands Laurens a big box]

**Laurens:** Dang, it’s heavy! [opens the box] Holy shit! It’s a turtle3!

**Jefferson:** Yeah, his name’s Mac.

**Hamilton:** Huh. I actually kinda like that-

**Jefferson:** As in the abbreviation for macaroni!

**Hamilton:** That is the stupidest fucking thing I’ve ever heard why are you so fucking stupid-

**Jefferson:** And I’ve been training him, too. He knows “stay”, “come”, “bite”, and “tackle”!

**Madison:** Wow, you trained him quickly! We’ve only known about the Secret Santa for like a week.

**Jefferson:** No, I’ve been training him since like May, when I saw him in my backyard.

**Lafayette:** Can you see the future?! Did you know you’d have to get Laurens a present even back then?!

**Jefferson:** No, I just decided to train him.

**Washington:** Wait, so you just saw a random turtle and decided to train him?

**Jefferson:** Yeah.

**Hamilton:** That is the stupidest fucking thing I’ve ever heard why are you so fucking stupid-

**Laurens:** Thank you so much, Jefferson! I’m gonna take really good care of him!

**Madison:** Wait, Thomas, why did you need a trained turtle-

**Washington:** Okay, Lafayette, your turn!

**Lafayette:** Oui! Thomas, here’s your present! [hands Jefferson a small wrapped box]

**Jefferson:** [unwraps it and examines the box] Um… something, something, blanche…

**Lafayette:** It’s platinum blond hair dye! From France!

**Jefferson:** [inhales and then shrieks loudly] Ehmagawd! Ehmagawd! [starts flapping his hands with excitement] I don’t have to be a ginger anymore! AND IT’S FRENCH! YAHHHHSSS! [starts sniffling and wipes his eyes] This is the best present ever, Lafayette!

**Washington:** All right, I guess it’s my turn. I had you, Alex. [hands him a box]

**Hamilton:** [opens the box. Inside is another wrapped box with a tag that says “To: Washington”] Um…dafuq? Your present to me is…a present to yourself?

**Washington:** Well, I guess I’d better open it!

**Hamilton:** Uh, okay?

[Washington takes the box and opens it. He pulls out a baseball cap that says “No. 1 Dad”.]

**Washington:** Just what I wanted!

**Hamilton:** …A hat?

**Washington:** Yes, to show the world that I’m your dad!

**Hamilton:** I’M NOT YOUR- wait, what?

**Washington:** That’s your present. I’m taking you back as a son!

**Hamilton:** [speechless] I, I…don’t know what to say.

**Jefferson:** Wow, Hamilton is speechless for once in his life.

**Lafayette:** [hugs Hamilton] Alex! We’re freres!

**Madison:** …I hope you all realize this in no way constitutes a legal adoption.

**Hamilton:** [to Washington] Thank you. This… means a lot to me. [clears his throat and tries to casually wipe his eyes]

**Washington:** I think a celebration is in order!

**Everyone else:** BISCUITVILLE!

**Washington:** [surprised] Oh, I was thinking McDonald’s, but yeah we can do Biscuitville.

**Jefferson:** Let’s hope I don’t rob it this time! [everyone else laughs] Why the fuck are you guys laughing, I’m serious.

**Madison:** Wait, Thomas, what were you even going to use the turtle for?

 

 

 

 

 

 

  1. Yeah so once [Jemmy wrote a letter to TJ](https://curioussengi.wordpress.com/2016/11/20/james-madison-dissects-a-weasel/) talking about this weasel he dissected (relationship goals) and he said it “came to my hands dead” which means either he found a dead weasel or someone gave him one.
  2. “[You know that nobody wishes more ardently to see an abolition](https://founders.archives.gov/documents/Jefferson/01-12-02-0612)” Honestly, at this point I’m not even surprised.
  3. When Laurens was 16 [someone asked him to sketch a turtle](http://john-laurens.tumblr.com/post/130475269483/whats-the-deal-with-john-laurens-and-turtles) for a scientific journal, and the person said he “was thrilled with the live turtle” and “spent many hours watching it”. And you may be thinking “wow those are some weird-ass drawings”, but [that species of turtle is just pretty weird-looking in real life](http://john-laurens.tumblr.com/post/131528107883/explanation-of-john-laurenss-turtle-art), the drawings themselves are really good.



**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Funny story, apparently Biscuitville's HQ is in my hometown...I had no idea, I just picked it because it was the only restaurant I could think of that closes early.   
> Anyway, I'd just like to say a huge thanks to everyone who's read this ridiculous story! I hope you had as much fun reading it as I had writing it, or at the very least you learned a fun fact or two about the founding fathers.   
> Like I said, I'm working on a sequel to this, so I'll post the first scene/chapter to that in a few days!  
> Thanks again!


End file.
